Recipe: Kick-Ass Rib Roast

I’ve had this recipe floating-around for years, and am ashamed I didn’t publish it until today. Shame on me. Enough self-flagellation, it’s time to talk about

RIB ROAST

I’m so hungry…

Now, the first question you’ll ask is, “Is this a prime rib roast recipe?” To that I have to ask you a question, “Did you order a prime rib roast from the butcher?” When people say “prime rib,” they usually mean the rib roast cooked as a roast and sliced for service. “Prime” is a grade of meat, and unless you spent a shitload of money on your meat from a high-end butcher, you probably have a choice rib roast, which is still awesome. Whether you have a prime or choice rib roast, this recipe will make it the best thing you’ve eaten in a while. Seriously.

Notes on meat grades:

• Prime: Abundant marbling, generally sold in hotels and restaurants, excellent for broiling, grilling, and roasting
• Choice: High quality, but has less marbling than prime.
• Select: Very uniform in quality, and leaner than prime/choice because of less marbling.

 

Kick-Ass Rib Roast
This has got to be the best “prime” rib ever created in a home – ever! Bonus: it’s easy!

INGREDIENTS

Roast

• Rib Roast
• Vegetable oil
• Salt
• Pepper

Gravy

• 32 oz beef broth (in a carton)
• 1-2 Tbs Butter
• 1/4 Cup Flour
• Small can of mushrooms*, drained (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. First, you NEED an electronic thermometer to make this roast. The best tool is one that can be left-in the roast while it’s roasting. I’ll wait while you run to the store to get one… Waiting… (45 minutes later) Got it? Ok, let’s continue.
2. However you obtained your roast (see recipe notes), bring it to room temperature before cooking. This will allow the roast to cook more evenly than to take from the fridge and put directly into the oven. Generally, for a refrigerated roast, this will take ~1 hour on the counter. Don’t worry – you’re not going to incubate plague-causing bacteria on the counter in an hour.
3. Trim the fat: there’s a decent amount of fat on the outside of a prototypical rib roast. Trim-off the particularly egregious and hard deposits of fat. Some of that stuff won’t melt in the oven, and will still be grisly and nasty at carving time.
4. Set the oven to 250 degrees.
5. Rub the roast with ~1 Tbs of oil – this will help the salt & pepper to stick and make it easier for heat to enter the meat. Sprinkle with 1 Tbs kosher salt and 1 1/2 tsp black pepper. Don’t bother measuring – these are guidelines at best. The salt will help pull protein from the inside of the roast to the outside and salt and pepper taste good.
6. If you bought a “stay-in” thermometer, like you should have, insert the probe into the center of the roast.
7. Place roast in an 8×8” glass baking dish. I like glass for this because I will use the drippings later to make some kick-ass gravy. I fear metal would add some unwelcome flavors. I like 8×8” because it will keep the drippings as liquid. Using a larger dish, like 9×13”, could spread-out the drippings so much that they dry. Lame.
8. Slap that hunk o’ meat into the oven – somewhere in the middle. Roast at 250 for a period of time – it’ll depend on the size of your roast. When I cooked a 10 pound (4-bones) roast, it took 3 1/2 hours. If you don’t have a thermometer that stays in the meat, you will need to take the roast’s temperature every so often. You can wait at least an hour before worrying about it, but as the temperature increases you will want to check more and more often.
9. Cook the roast until the internal temperature reaches 125 degrees. That’s super-rare? Yes, it is, but it’s not the final temperature. The roast will continue cooking for a while as the heat continues to penetrate the meat. Remove the roast from the oven, dish and all, and place on a cooling rack (or stovetop) and cover loosely with foil. This is called “resting,” and it’s to allow the heat and juices inside the meat to equalize. Turn-up the oven to 500 degrees.
10. Allow the roast to rest for 15 minutes. This should be enough time for the oven to reach 500. Remove the foil and re-insert the roast into the oven. Cook for 15 minutes. You no longer need to take the temperature.
11. Remove the roast – notice the sizzle. That roast is going totally apeshit! This time, take the roast out of the dish and place it on a cutting board. Put the foil back onto the roast – let it sit for 15 minutes (that’s more resting, and it’s required).
12. Gravy time! In a medium saucepan, dump the drippings from the roast* – there’s a decent amount of fat there (which we need), but more importantly, there’s a lot of flavor! All that brown shit on the bottom is awesomely delicious you don’t want to leave it behind! Add 1 or 2 Tbs of butter to the pot – depending on the amount of fat collected from the baking dish. Turn the heat to medium, and allow the butter to melt. When the butter has melted, add the flour and stir/whisk continually for 3 minutes. This will make a roux which we will use to thicken the beef broth into a gravy.
13. Slowly add the beef broth, a cup at a time, and whisk to combine. You will notice that the roux thickens the broth as it heats. Wait until each addition of broth is thickened before adding more broth. There’s a good chance that you won’t use ALL the broth in the carton. When the gravy has reached and maintains the correct texture, add the mushrooms (if using). The gravy is now complete.
14. Carving the roast.
    1. Step 1: cut-off the bones – just hack the bones off the roast as one piece. That will leave you with a rectangular-shaped roast, which is easy to carve.
    2. Step 2: slices. Using a carving knife, or an electric knife (preferred), slice to desired thickness.
15. Serve. You deserve it!

RECIPE NOTES

• Roast Selection: How do you choose a roast? >> It’s not as difficult or as easy as you think. Ambiguity? Yes. First, you want to get one that’s big enough to feed your guests. For Christmas in 2009, I bought a 10-pound roast to feed 10 adults. I had probably a pound, or so, of left-over meat (and the bones I removed pre-carve, which I saved for snacking). So, let’s say a basic rule of thumb is one pound per person – ask your butcher if you have any questions. It’s always safe to buy big and reap the left-overs.
• Canned mushrooms? Are you a gourmand, or something? >> Ha ha, yes, I get it. But, for gravy, canned mushrooms are ok. If you must, then you can cut-up ~8 oz fresh mushrooms, saute in some butter, and set-aside. Use those instead of the canned mushrooms. Other things you can add to gravy: some lightly-browned diced onion.
• What if there are either not enough roast drippings, or there’s a lot of cooked-on shit in the bottom of my glass baking dish? >> To make the gravy, you’re already using the butter – which can provide enough fat to make a roux. But you don’t want to miss those roasty flavors in the baking dish. To release them, simply pour a little beef broth into the dish, and scrape-up the fond with a spatula. Eventually that beef solvent will free the flavor, and your gravy will be that much better.

Hey Food Network, Prime Rib is Sacred!

I was on the Facebook the other day, and saw a post from Food Network: “How to Make a Perfect Prime Rib Roast.” Since I already know, I thought I’d check to make sure they are still on their game…

Who doesn’t want to make a perfect prime rib roast? Apparently, Food Network contributors…

Let me tell you where and how they went wrong. With pictures.

Step 1: Perfect Cooking. Lesley tells us that prime rib roasts are, generally, more forgiving than a typical roast. But you don’t want to fuck-up because you’ve invested a lot of money in that meat (I mean a LOT OF MONEY). So, which is it: forgiving or merciless? I have found rib roasts to be easy to cook, but I am a master. I don’t know if I’d teach others to be as cavalier with a $100 piece of meat as I am. Note: the most I paid for a 10 lb rib roast (choice, not prime) was $80, and I thought that was OUTRAGEOUS. I cooked a delicious $40 roast once, but then again, I am awesome. 

Step 2: Season Well. Lesley wants us to season our meat. This is a non-tip. Of course you should season the thing – just like you season EVERY THING YOU COOK! I would have liked to see something more akin to a recipe, but whatever. She even says that the possibilities are endless – which is especially true if you say nothing about the possibilities. Seems people don’t go to Food Network for recipes anymore…

Step 3: Sear First. Here’s where Lesley and I part company. Searing first will do nothing. I have heard hundreds of times that searing “seals in the juices.” What are you, an idiot? Do you think you’re cauterizing a water-tight seal? No, you’re not – and no juices will be sealed-in. My recipe, which is the only way you should cook a roast, does not include searing of any kind.

Step 4: Or Skip Searing. WTF? If you tell people to sear, then they should sear. If searing is optional, WHY ARE YOU TELLING PEOPLE TO SEAR? This is a “cook it however you want” kind of article, which is not helpful. Who is supposed to be taught by this article? When I make a recipe, I assume you have no skills or abilities. Surprise me.

Step 5: Don’t Overdo It. Gee, thanks for telling me to NOT burn the expensive roast. It’s consistent with the rest of the article: no helpful tips or ideas of any kind.

Step 6: Let It Rest. Yes, once the roast has been finished, it should rest. If you’ve made it to the end of the “recipe” with an edible roast, then you should definitely let it rest.

Step 7: There was no step 7. If you check the pictures, they reference seven steps. The final was 6 of 7. The 7th slide was the beginning of the next click-bait bullshit, “How to Make Muffins!”

Stay tuned for my prime rib roast recipe – I won’t waste your time with nonsensical crap.

Recipe: Appetizer Meatballs

Alternative title: “Russ’ Balls in Sauce.” It’s bawdy, for sure, but you’re not at the Library of Congress’ recipe website. 

These are the meatballs that everyone expects me to bring to every damn family holiday gathering. So, beware: if you make and bring these, you will be signing-up for a lifetime of holiday meatball delivery. Which is good, because they are awesome, but bad because we don’t want to owe anything to anyone. I walk alone…

Parsley optional

Badass Appetizer Meatballs
Serves 6? I suppose this depends how fat and hungry your family is

INGREDIENTS

• 2 lbs Breakfast pork sausage (1 lb regular, 1 lb spicy)
• 1/3 Cup Bread crumbs
• 1 Egg (large, of course)
• 1 Cup Ketchup
• 4 Tbs Brown sugar (dark is the only brown sugar you need) NOTE: 4 Tbs = 1/4 Cup
• 2 Tbs Vinegar (I prefer apple cider vinegar, but white works here too)
• 2 Tbs Soy sauce

INSTRUCTIONS

Sauce

1. In a large pot, put ketchup, soy sauce, brown sugar, and vinegar
2. Stir to combine
3. Heat lightly until bubbling (this will happen much faster than you think)
4. Done

Meatballs

1. Combine meat, egg, and breadcrumbs and mix with your hands until homogeneous. Pro tip: leave the meat out of the fridge for a while (like 30 minutes) to take-away some of that chill. Mixing cold meat is not as fun as mixing room temperature meat.
2. Roll into balls: ping-pong ball size works best
   1. Grab a little meat with your fingers
   2. With two flat palms, “roll” the meat in your hands until it shapes into a ball
   3. Put perfectly formed meatball down onto a plate or something
3. In a large non-stick skillet, brown your meatballs. You don’t need any oil because the meatballs bring their own fat (thank you, pig, for being so thoughtful)

Cooking meatballs in the skillet. Note the browned side, and going-back to brown the other two sides

4. As one side browns, be sure to turn the meatballs to brown the other sides. I find that for this part, a meatball has three sides.
5. When complete, put the cooked meatballs into the sauce mixture
6. Heat the meatballs in the sauce for ~20 minutes or until cooked through and the sauce sticks like a glaze

Cook the meatballs in the sauce; this is where the marriage begins

7. Done. Put the meatballs into an efficient and effective transport container that can be used to gently reheat your balls at the appropriate eating location

Meatballs in the crock pot, ready to bring to the party. Oh, I should try one? Don’t mind if I do…

HOW TO EAT

• Pierce with a toothpick and put in your mouth. Pro tip: bring meatballs AND toothpicks to the party, You’ll be the toast of the town

RECIPE NOTES

• What if you have too many balls to fit in the skillet all at once? >> I have the same problem: too many balls. I cook my balls in two batches in the skillet – no worries.

See? This is me cooking the second batch of meatballs (right) as the first batch bathes in the sauce (left). Miltitasking is badass!

• This doesn’t seem like enough balls to feed my hungy hungy hippos. Any ideas? >> When I make these for a party, I never make only one batch – I make two. BUT, I have found that you can’t just make a monster vat of meatballs and sauce. The problem is that if you try to cook 4 lbs of meatballs in the sauce, the meatballs on the bottom will disintegrate under the weight of the top balls. Best to make this in two+ distinct batches. Cleaning your pots and pans in the middle. Mix the two+ batches in the crock pot. That’s bad ass!

Recipe: Green Bean Casserole

Don’t worry, this version is better than aunt Mildred’s bland soup-based sludge. Mine has no condensed soup, uses fresh beans, and will impress your guests. Do it.

Mmm, looks good enough to eat!

INGREDIENTS

• 2 pounds green beans, trimmed and halved*
• 1 can French Fried Onions, 6 oz (the big can)
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 1 pound white button mushrooms, sliced
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 teaspoons fresh thyme
• 2 tablespoons all purpose flour
• 1 1/2 cups half and half
• 1 1/2 cups chicken broth
• 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• Kosher salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add the green beans to a large pot of boiling/salted water, and cook until until slightly tender (about 6 minutes). Drain beans and rinse under cold water to stop the cooking. Set aside.
2. In a large pot/skillet*, melt the butter over medium-high heat. Add the mushrooms and cook until lightly browned and tender (about 7 minutes).
3. Add garlic and thyme and cook for 1 minute.
4. Add the flour and stir to coat – 1 minute.
5. Stir in the half and half, chicken broth, and 1/2 teaspoon salt.
6. Bring to a simmer and cook until slightly thickened (about 5 minutes). Stir in the Parmesan and green beans and cook until heated-through (1 minute).
7. Transfer to a 3 quart baking dish (9×13 casserole dish is fine) and bake the casserole at 375 degrees until bubbling (about 15 minutes). Sprinkle the onions on top and return to oven for 5-10 more minutes.
8. Done. You may eat now.

RECIPE NOTES

• How do I prepare the green beans and mushrooms? >> For fresh green beans, you just want to 1) wash them, 2) cut-off the tops the bottoms, and 3) cut in-half if they are long. For mushrooms, simply clean-off the dirt (you can either wash them with water – not preferred – or brush-off any filth with your hand), cut-off the bottom of the stem, and slice into large-ish slices – no points for neatness here.
• What’s with the large pot/skillet note? >> If you have a 12″ skillet, use it. If you don’t have a skillet that big, use a larger pot. Don’t try in a smaller skillet – you’ll overflow.
• 375 degrees – what if I have other dishes that need to cook at 350 or 400? >> No worries. Like most casseroles, this is pretty forgiving. Adjust the cooking times if your oven needs to be hotter or colder. It’s not rocket science.