Technique: Ordering a Sandwich

The elusive “club sub.” Tougher to order than you’d think

Here’s a story about two people who arrived 10 seconds before me – I had to witness this abomination of sandwich decision making.

INT. JERSEY MIKE’S – ORDER COUNTER

An IDIOT COUPLE arrives at the local Jersey Mike’s franchise. The IDIOT WOMAN is about 30 lbs past “hefty,” wearing a too-tight tee-shirt, weathered leggings, socks, and silvery slipper/sandals (seriously, there were silver sequins). The IDIOT BOYFRIEND? is about 30 lbs under “slight,” wearing a logo hoodie, ball cap, heroin jeans, with a wispy chin-tip “beard” and sideburns (wispy – like thin baby hair). Ages are anywhere from early to late-20’s – there’s no way to know for sure.

The couple stand in line, gaping at the posted sandwich menu, blocking the line for any other patrons. They stand there for a full minute – mouths-open, reading the menu. The JERSEY MIKE’S SANDWICH GUY smiles at the couple – he’s pleasant and effective. Poor bastard.

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY

What’ll you have?
(no response)
(a little louder and clearer) What would you like to order?

IDIOT WOMAN  (neck at 45 degree angle – still reading menu)

Um… (wait three seconds) Ah… (wait three more seconds) Clubsub! (all at once)

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY

Original size?

IDIOT WOMAN

(looks confused) Um, what are the sizes?

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY  (holds-up some bread samples)

Mini, original, or giant (the giant is 15″)

IDIOT WOMAN

(laughing) Oh, I’ll have the big one!

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY

White, wheat, rosemary parm?

IDIOT WOMAN  (looks confused)

Is that bread?

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY

Yeah, rosemary parmesan br-

IDIOT WOMAN (quickly)

That one!

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY  (to Idiot Boyfriend?)

How about you, what would you like?

IDIOT BOYFRIEND? (waits – more time than needed)

(slowly) Club sub.

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY

Giant?

IDIOT BOYFRIEND?

(nods)

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY

Ok. White, wheat, rosemary parm?
(no response)
(begins repeating) White-

IDIOT BOYFRIEND?

Wheat

At Jersey Mike’s, the sandwich guy uses a deli slicer to cut the meats in real time. Jersey Mike Sandwich Guy makes small talk while slicing the meats and cheeses.

INT. JERSEY MIKE’S – TOPPINGS BAR
Adjacent to the deli slicer are the toppings – those will have to be chosen next…

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY

Ok, do you want that Mike’s Way? (note: “Mike’s Way” includes onions, lettuce, tomatoes, olive oil blend, red wine vinegar and spices)
(no response)

IDIOT WOMAN

Um… (wait three seconds)

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY (patiently)

Have you been to Jersey Mike’s before? Because, if you’re a rookie, you get a free cookie!

IDIOT WOMAN (almost indignant, but she doesn’t have that much pride)

No. I’ve been here before, but he (gestures to Idiot Boyfriend?) hasn’t

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY

Then he gets a cookie!

IDIOT WOMAN

Lettuce, tomato, um…, um…, ah…

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY

That sandwich comes with mayo. And bacon. Would you like those too?

IDIOT WOMAN

Um… ok.

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY (to Idiot Boyfriend?)

Mike’s way?

IDIOT BOYFRIEND?

Um, naw… Lettuce… and…, um…, tomato.

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY

That sandwich comes with mayo and bacon – do you want tho-

IDIOT BOYFRIEND?

Naw.

Jersey Mike Sandwich Guy dutifully completes the sandwiches. The Idiot Couple continue joking and slow-playing the entire process. Eventually they complete their transaction, and sit in the restaurant to eat.

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY (to me)

What’ll you have?

ME (efficiently)

Giant Chipotle Turkey on white (note: my wife and I were sharing – a giant is too big for one person)

JERSEY MIKE SANDWICH GUY (after cutting meats and cheeses)

Mike’s way?

ME

Yes. Plus banana peppers.

Elapsed time: 2 seconds. I pay and leave. Done.

The moral of the story: get your shit together when ordering food – because I’ll be watching. And judging. 

Recipe: Hash Brown Casserole

Like the casserole served at the Cracker Barrel, but at home. It’s just the thing for Easter brunch – easy to make and satisfying.

Mmm, it’s pretty good

Hash Brown Casserole
Serves 10 genteel folks or 5 white trash cousins

INGREDIENTS

• 2 lbs frozen shredded hash browns
• 1/2 cup melted butter
• 16 oz sour cream
• 8 oz shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/2 onion, minced
• 1 can (10.25 oz) cream of chicken soup
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Dump everything into a bowl
2. Mix mix mix
3. Put into a baking dish (9 x 13″ is the right size)
4. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes to an hour – until a nice crust forms
5. Eat

RECIPE NOTES

• Easy to double – don’t be afraid to make a barrel of this shit (get it?)
• Like other oven-baked casseroles, you can top this with something crunchy:
  • Ground-up some corn flakes or crackers or whatever
  • Mix with some melted butter
  • Sprinkle on top
  • Bake with the casserole – only needs ~20 minutes for the topping

FAQs

• Can I use fresh grated potatoes? >> The recipe calls for frozen, which is easier, but you can use fresh – if you like. Don’t expect the flavor to be improved – frozen potatoes are tried and true. There is very little nuance to the potato that might be damaged by freezing.
• Why ‘Cream of Chicken’ soup? >> It gives some backbone to the dish. If you’re sensitive to the little chickens, you can use ‘Cream of Celery’ or ‘Cream of Mushroom’ and have similar results. Note: chickens want to be eaten – that’s why they’re here.

Head to middle-America, find a Cracker Barrel, and order-up the original

This is Why You’re Drunk: Stormy Night

In the greater Chicagoland area, there’s a steak restaurant – it’s a chain (gasp), but a small one – called Wildfire. The restaurant has a 40’s and 50’s nightclub vibe – the kind of place Frank Sinatra might have stopped-in for a steak back in the day. They serve a martini flight that my wife reliably orders, but she loves one martini in particular:

So colorful!

THE STORMY NIGHT

$12.95? Sure, I’m made of money.

It’s far too sweet for my taste buds – like a Jolly Rancher, but you probably have a special lady friend who will enjoy these by the bucket.

Check-out the blue color – adds to its mystery, don’t you think?

Stormy Night
Serves 1 special lady friend

INGREDIENTS

• 1 part Black Cherry Vodka
• 1 part Sour Mix
• 1 part Blue Island Pucker
• 1 part Watermelon Pucker
• Superfine sugar (a.k.a. caster sugar)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Rim your cocktail glass with sugar:
   

   Whenever your manhood is at stake, tip a Cutty

   1. Spread some superfine sugar on a plate
   2. Wet the rim of your cocktail glass – you can use a little water or citrus
   3. Dip the rim in the sugar – ensure you have coverage around the entire rim
   4. Set aside
2. Half-fill a cocktail shaker with ice and pour-in all the liquids.
3. Stir. Since this is drink without egg white or citrus, there is no reason to shake. In fact, shaking this cocktail will make you look like a pretentious douchebag.
4. Strain into your prepared cocktail glass.
5. Done. Give this to your lady, and pour yourself three fingers of Cutty Sark – like a goddamn man.

FAQs

• Where do I get those puckers? >> Go to a good store. They were tough to find until I went to my new favorite liquor store: Garfield’s Beverage Warehouse in Crystal Lake, IL. You can go there too, it’s a public place.
• How much is “1 part?” >> You can make this by the bathtub if you like, but if you want to make a single drink, use the large end of a jigger (typically 1.5 and 0.75 oz are the two sizes) as your “part.”

I never use the small end – maybe it’s for kids drinks

Super Bowl Potato Skins

Hey, it’s only been two months – Super Bowl recipes are still germane.

Let’s be honest: we know what we should not be eating, but we’re sooo undisciplined. Naming these “Super Bowl” potato skins helps us all understand this is an occasional treat – the Super Bowl only happens once per year. Disclaimer complete – let’s feast!

Eagles vs Patriots was the third year in a row my daughter requested these be served. This time, I think I finally got it right – right enough for publication.

Check-out those beauties! Also serving vegetables – keep regular (and happy)!

Super Bowl Potato Skins
Serves any number of rowdy friends

INGREDIENTS

• Potatoes (the number is up to you)
• Butter, melted
• Cheddar Cheese, shredded
• Bacon pieces, cooked
• Chives or green onion, sliced into small rings/pieces
• Sour cream

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Bake the potatoes
2. Remove from oven, cut in-half, and allow to cool enough to handle
3. Scoop out the guts, leave the potato skin shells (leave about 1/8″ of potato flesh all around – a little more is ok, but don’t take-away too much potato or the structure will suffer)
4. Brush the empty potato skins with melted butter and bake for ~15 minutes. This is to crisp-up the boats, and to add some buttery goodness. Thank you, Super Bowl!
5. Meanwhile, add some half & half, salt, and pepper to the potato guts and stir together. You’ve just made ghetto mashed potatoes, and you’ll use some in the potato skins. The rest can be eaten as mashed potatoes (no duh) or served to the dog.
6. Scoop a little mashed potato into each boat – about 1-2 teaspoons – just enough to take-up some space. Add bacon and cheese to cover.
7. Bake or broil in the oven until the cheese is melted. If you broil, keep an eye out – you don’t want to burn that cheese.
8. Remove from oven and sprinkle-on the chives/green onions. Voila, bon appétit.
9. Serve with sour cream to up the decadence.

RECIPE NOTES

• These are simple bacon & cheese potato skins, but you can fill those boats with nearly anything: sauteed onions, sausage, other things too (my mind went blank after sausage…). Leave-in the mashed potatoes and a cheese, and have fun.

FAQs

• Can you be specific, chives OR green onion? >> I would choose chives – those are classic, but the store was out of chives Super Bowl weekend, and I used green onion. Just as good.
• How should I cook the bacon? >> I typically prepare bacon as slices (for to be served with breakfast or BLT) or cooked into bits. For bits, I usually prepare 1/2 pound of bacon:
  • While the bacon is still nearly frozen, cut the plank of bacon in-half
  • Put the other half back in the freezer – in a zip top bag, of course
  • Using a sharp knife, cut the bacon, against the grain, into 1/4″ strips
  • Put the cut bacon in a skillet, with a splatter screen, and cook until complete
  • Stir often – don’t let it burn
  • Remove bacon with a slotted spoon, place on a paper towel lined plate to soak-up grease
  • Save the bacon drippings from the pan – you can use those to augment things that need bacon flavor, or jazz-up the dog’s dinner. My dog loves me.