Father’s Day Eve

Dad’s easy: he just wants to be left alone. But, if you’re in the position of preparing a meal, let’s make sure it’s going to be done right.

Don’t disappoint Dad by messing-up his dinner

What to Cook?

Dad likes meat. This is not the time to try-out some asian-mexican-vegan fusion. Let’s celebrate Dad’s successful conquest of Mom by making one of his favorites: beef or pork. I know what you’re thinking, “my dad, actually, prefers chicken.”

NO HE FUCKING DOES NOT!

Dad wants a red meat – the kind that delivers the risk of a clogged artery and a swift end to his miserable suffering.

Classics

Steak is the easy option. I recommend adding some bad ass béarnaise to make it into an event. This year, I’m preparing Beef Bourguignon – because my grill is out of commission and I don’t have enough cast iron skillets to make steaks for 4 at the same time, and because it’s awesome.

Gift

Dad wants a gift card to the liquor store, the hardware store, or Walgreens. Done. Easy.

ps

If Dad’s thirsty, try a Manhattan, a Sidecar, or, since it’s going to be hot as balls in Chicago, you can make a Gin & Tonic

Office Oreos: Taste Test/Review

Like I mentioned earlier, I work in a fun office. The managers sitting near me are addicted to oddly-flavored Oreo cookies. This week’s installment:

Can anyone survive the Oreo weirdness? No. 

• Fireworks
• Cherry Cola
• Kettle Corn

Let’s see how they stack-up:

Fireworks: Tastes like an Oreo. I heard there a pop rocks inside – either they were duds, or my mouth is bulletproof. No shrapnel.

Cherry Cola: You get the cola right away – it’s ok. Then comes the weird cherry. Unfortunately, it’s a weirdness that lingers.

Kettle Korn: When you open the bag, it immediately smells like bad mall food court. More specifically, it smells like Sears from the early 1980’s – when they had their own popcorn counter near the hand tools and lawn equipment. Time machine. The taste is ok – more caramel, but still Oreo.

Was something wrong with regular Oreos, or are our pleasure receptors fried?

If I had to choose, I’d take the Fireworks – then an insulin shot.

Now, GET BACK TO WORK!

ps, there are dozens of other odd Oreo flavors… Yikes!

Hey, Fat Ass!

What’s up with this?

Food Network wants you to kill yourself in Orlando. Do it.

Lucky Charms. We’re doomed.

My office has a well-stocked kitchen – I say TOO well-stocked. I’ve worked in offices long-enough to remember how office food and drink availability used to be graded:

• Free coffee = great
• Coffee + soda = awesome
• Anything more = Holy shit! Is this Disneyland?

Now that we’ve finally reached the age where millennial workers must be courted, offices are forced to cater to their whims. Some of it’s good: the snack game has improved greatly (fresh fruit, cheese+crackers, yogurt, etc.) And some is bad: Pop Tarts, Fruit Roll-Ups, and sugary cereal.

Every time an adult eats this, a unicorn is bludgeoned to death

This morning, I couldn’t believe my eyes:

A GROWN-ASS MAN WAS SITTING IN THE KITCHEN, AT 10:00 AM,
ENJOYING A BOWL OF LUCKY CHARMS CEREAL!

Here’s why we’re doomed: a website, YouGov.com (?) asked, “Do you think it’s normal or weird to eat cereal for meals other than breakfast?” 81% say “normal,” 10% say “weird.” (sigh)

Not weird, say four in five “adults”

Cereal is for children, and sugary cereal is for no one. Grow-up!

News flash: I judge you. Harshly.

Hey Food Network, WTF?

I was looking at the Facebook the other day, and a Food Network post caught my attention:

50 States, 50 Breakfasts
Food Network travels to 50 states to find the country’s best breakfasts.

Sounds good – I like a good breakfast. First thing, I checked Illinois:

Can you read the caption? The restaurant is closed

CLOSED- Vegetarian Scrapple from Ina’s: Chicago, Illinois
Update: This restaurant is now closed.

Oops. Someone fucked-up. Maybe they just closed recently. I checked the link in the article, and – yeah – dipshit alert:

Yes, it’s true! We closed forever on 12/31/13

The restaurant closed 5 years ago, and they are recommending breakfasts there now. Good luck with credibility in the future!

Do Like I Do: Pizza Toppings

There are, literally, hundreds of things you can put on top of a pizza. It takes a hero, like me, to sort-out what’s allowed and what’s batshit crazy.

What do you like on your pizza? How about I tell you what’s allowed.

Let’s start with a list of toppings

I checked the internet for a general list of toppings, and found this: The Tastiest Pizza Toppings. Sounds promising… UNTIL you check the list:

Chef Jen: turn-in your toque

• #1 Pepperoni – fine
• #2 Mozzarella – wtf? OF COURSE YOU PUT MOZZARELLA ON A PIZZA, DUMBASS! DO YOU NEED TO MENTION “TOMATO SAUCE” TOO? IDIOTS!
• #3 Already lost interest…

In their defense, I think this was a user generated/ranked list – still, you should exercise your editorial powers to protect people from themselves. If I asked my readers, “what is your favorite ice cream?,” and someone said “chocolate,” I’d violently reject that opinion because chocolate ice cream is shit. My point: people are stupid.

Moving on. Here’s the list of available toppings found on a local pizzeria website – we’ll start here:

• Cheese
  • Cheddar Cheese, Extra Cheese
• Meats
  • Sausage, Pepperoni, Bacon, Canadian Bacon, Ground Beef, Ham, Grilled Chicken, Italian Beef
• Veggies
  • Tomatoes, Mushrooms, Onions, Black Olives, Green Olives, Green Peppers, Banana Peppers, Red Onions, Spinach
• and More
  • Anchovies, Artichoke Hearts, Pineapple, Fresh Garlic, Jalapenos, Hot Gardinera

ALLOWED

These toppings are allowed, but remember: a well-designed pizza is not GIMME EVERYTHING ON A SAUCY CRUST WITH CHEESE! It’s an artful balance of flavors and textures. Get your head out of your ass for once.

How much of this Italian deli can we fit on a pizza? 

• Sausage: The pinnacle of pizza meats
• Pepperoni: Also ok. Some would rank pepperoni at the top, but it’s too salty to be #1 pizza meat
• Mushrooms: These belong on a lot of pizzas. Don’t like mushrooms? Grow up.
• Onions: Basic ingredient of deliciousness
• Black Olives: Yes, do it!
• Green Olives: These are allowed, but don’t go apeshit – too many will ruin a pizza
• Green Peppers: Not usually found alone, but with onions – perfect!
• Banana Peppers: They’re not traditional, but I like the vinegar spice they bring to the party.
• Spinach: I almost put this in the “conditional” category, but I’ll allow you to get your iron and nutrients – even at the expense of a tasty pizza. Gross.
• Anchovies: Little salty fishes. What’s not to like?
• Jalapenos: They’re spicy.

NOT ALLOWED

These ingredients are not allowed on a pizza – unless you’re competing in a “Worst pizza of all time” competition. In a perfect world, the FBI would use pizza order history records to track down these people and remove them from decent society. My dreams of the future…

• Cheddar Cheese: Nope. Teach your kids to like traditional pizza cheese.
  

  Good, but not on pizza

• Extra Cheese: What are we trying to do here? Aren’t you fat enough?
• Bacon: There was a glorious time, about 10 years ago, before we decided to put bacon on everything. Those were the days…
• Ground Beef: “Let’s dump-on some tasteless protein. Good idea!”
• Ham: is a sandwich material…
• Grilled Chicken: Yikes
• Tomatoes: Usually don’t deliver – end-up as a gooey mess. If you truly want tomatoes, you need to slice them thin and blot dry with paper towels. But they you’re still left with a tasteless veggie on top. You need to reevaluate things…
• Red Onions: Nope. One onion variety is enough.
• Artichoke Hearts: This isn’t a salad bar
• Fresh Garlic: Not allowed – unless you’re using to ward-off vampires. Also, garlic breath is bad for romance.

CONDITIONALLY ALLOWED

These ingredients may be allowed only under specific circumstances – typically in combination with other ingredients to make a “special” pizza. Who decides? Me, of course.

• Canadian Bacon & Pineapple: Only allowed to create a “Hawaiian Pizza,” and those are the only two ingredients allowed.
• Italian Beef & Hot Gardinera: In Chicago, there is an “Italian Beef Pizza,” and it’s good. I was skeptical at first, but it’s solid. I’ve heard that good Italian Beef and Hot Gardinera are difficult to find outside of Chicago – sucks to be you, I guess.

MAGIC COMBINATIONS

Within the “allowed” category, some pizza topping combinations transcend individual ingredients and become something more

• Sausage & Mushroom: Classic. This is my favorite way to eat a pizza. I also like it with onion, but it’s not always necessary.
• Pepperoni & Black Olive: The classic my Father-in-law likes to enjoy. It’s good – sometimes too salty, but when you’re in the mood for pepperoni…
• Onion & Green Pepper: Good for vegetarians and carnivores alike. Or just order a cheese pizza.

When you’re ready, don’t forget I’ve already taught you to make a pizza. Read and learn.