Be Better: Bar Tools

Beer and wine aside, you need some other specialized tools for cocktail preparation.

 

Jigger

A jigger is a tool to measure liquor. Sounds simple enough. Most jiggers are shaped like an hourglass: two cones stacked on top of one another. Typical cup sizes are 1.5 oz and 0.75 oz, but you can buy other sizes too. Most cocktail recipes call for, either, a discrete amount (e.g. 1 oz.) or a ratio amount (e.g. 1 part).

Fancier than mine – this measures in mls – probably some pretentious eurotrash

 

Strainer

This is used to keep ice (or other solids) from being poured into your cocktail glass. Even if you’re the kind of person that likes his/her drinks “on the rocks,” a good strainer is a requirement. You don’t want broken-up ice shards to contaminate your perfectly balanced cocktail. Trust me, it’s a heinous abomination.

Hawthorne strainer on the left, Julep strainer on the right. Both’ll do the job nicely

There are two basic kinds of strainers: one that looks like a slinky (Hawthorne) and one that looks like a flat metal disc (Julep). I primarily use a Hawthorne strainer, but can see the virtue of the Julep strainer – it’ll do a better job of keeping muddled mint leaves out of your Derby Mint Julep.

 

Shaker/Mixing Glass

Though it’s called a “shaker,” I use this to prepare most cocktails – some are shaken. Many people (I used to be one of these people) think that all/most “cocktails” should be shaken – it looks cool and “what could be the harm, anyway?” Boy, was I wrong…

Boston: Two cups that fit into one another. Plus, close your eyes and listen to the wind…

The only time you should shake a cocktail is to froth something (cream or egg white) or release citrus. Other cocktails should just be stirred.

There are two basic kinds of shakers:

• Boston Shaker: Two cups that fit within each other – the drink is prepared/shaken then poured-out from one of the cups through a separate strainer. On a fishing trip, I forgot the shaker, so I made a “ghetto shaker” out of two plastic cups found in the cupboard. I am like MacGyver.
  

  Assortment of cobbler shakers. I like solid gold!

• Cobbler Shaker: A three-part contraption consisting of a cup, a top which usually includes a small strainer, and a cap that fits over the strainer. This is the kind of strainer I have at home, but be careful when using this kind of strainer! It’s difficult to find one that doesn’t leak or misdirect your cocktail to other places besides the cocktail glass.

Oh, and James Bond, who prefers his Vodka Martini “shaken, not stirred” is an idiot. For two reasons:

1. “Vodka” martini? WTF?
2. Shaken martinis will leave ice shards in your glass. Lame.

 

Bar Spoon

The red end can be replaced with a muddler or a fork or something else?

A bar spoon is used to, primarily, stir drinks. Full disclosure: I make a lot (like, a shitload!) of Manhattans. Before I use the bar spoon to stir the cocktail, I use it to extract a Luxardo cherry from the jar and place into the glass. Then, still gooey from cherry syrup, I quickly put into the shaker to further sweeten the brew. It’s a whole thing…

A typical bar spoon is about a foot long – allowing you to keep your fingers clean and dry while performing your duties. Most have a threaded shaft which makes twirling the spoon easier (?). I don’t know if that’s true – any spoon should be easy enough to twirl – but they all seem to be built the same way.

Bonus: some spoons (I have one at home) have a flat disc on the opposite end – for muddling! Interesting…

 

Muddler (depends on the kind of cocktails you’re making)

Cooks Illustrated magazine was testing muddlers… No need, you can even use the end of a broom handle

A muddler is a tool used to mash/muddle/crush fruits, herbs, or other ingredients in the bottom of a glass. The most common drinks that could use a muddler are the Mint Julep, the Mojito, or the Old Fashioned. For the Mint Julep and Mojito, fresh mint leaves are muddled in the bottom of the glass. This releases the essential oils from the leaves and flavors/perfumes the drink. How nice! For the Old Fashioned, a sugar cube is muddled with bitters. This will crush and dissolve the sugar into the aromatic bitters (like, “aerating” the bitters – akin to shaking).

Owning a muddler really depends on your needs and tastes. I don’t have a stand-alone muddler, but I do have a “muddling spoon” (apparently a separate page on Wikipedia) – which I’ve never used. The only Old Fashioned I’ve made at home is the Wisconsin favorite,

Olives? Nope.

Brandy Old Fashioned Sweet

• Brandy
• Sprite
• Maraschino Cherry (plus juice, if you like)

1. In a short glass, with ice, add one shot (remember: the jigger holds 1.5 oz or 0.75 oz – power-up or power-down) of brandy
2. Fill the rest with Sprite (Sierra Mist is ok too)
3. Top with cherry – and a little juice if you like it really sweet
4. Enjoy to lift your spirits after the Bears COMPLETELY DISMANTLE THE DAMN packers. Stupid cheeseheads…

Note: just checked the internet, and most “Brandy Old Fashioned” recipes – even the ones called “Wisconsin Old Fashioned” still call for bitters and a sugar cube IN ADDITION to the Sprite. Type-2 Diabetes patient zero was from Wisconsin – I bet.

Be Better: Wine & Beer Tools

Nothing here should surprise you, but let’s consider what you need to properly process beer and wine in the home. Or stick-with canned beer and screw-top wine.

I remember the beeramid, but those days are over.

Bottle Opener

Sure, you have a bottle-opener at the end of your can opener or wine corkscrew, or a keychain beer opener, or even the skills to use the edge of the countertop – congratulations! But, if you want to be thought of, and treated like, an adult, you should get a decent bottle opener to open your pretentious over-priced beers. That’s classy shit.

Almost anything can be used to open a bottle – time to get something that shows you know what you’re doing

Good Wine Opener

I use a waiter’s corkscrew. It’s a simple tool – using leverage to open a wine bottle. It folds-up and takes-up little space in the drawer. Most people have one, or multiple, corkscrews with two handles (aka Winged Corkscrew). These work ok – but they take longer to operate and take-up more space. Still others opt for the battery-operated wine opener or the Rabbit. These are fine, but it’s really far more tool than you need. Minimize.

Work smarter, not harder

Some tools that don’t rely on the corkscrew motion at all:

2 prongs – pull cork

• Twin-prong Cork Puller (aka Butler’s Friend):
  Two blades that slide-down opposite sides of the cork, allowing you to twist the cork from the bottle. Apparently, this is used to extract the cork without damaging it – so you can sample the wine and replace the cork. Um, yeah, this will never happen in the real world…
• Wine Poppers:
  Employ a needle to inject air or carbon dioxide into the bottle to pop the cork out.

But, I prefer the simplicity and reliability of the classic corkscrew. Simple is good.

Wine Stopper

I have a handful of these – some with a pump designed to remove air from the bottle. They work ok, but I think they are a pain, and I don’t use them very often. In the end, get two: one for white and one for red wines. It’s possible, but unlikely, that you’ll have more than one open bottle of a color of wine – so you don’t need too many of these. I like the simple rubber version – the stopper doesn’t stick-out too far from the top of the bottle and allows me to fit the white wine back in the fridge. Note: don’t put red wine in the fridge, unless you’re my in-laws…

They won’t keep-out the air (oh dear), but they are easy

Wine Aerator

It’s a simple tool that attaches to the top of the bottle to aerate the wine as you pour it into the glass. It’s not needed for white wine – in fact, you’ll look like an idiot if you aerate white wine – but required for red wine. Sure, you can open a bottle of red and drink it down in a hurry. But to vastly improve the taste, you should be aerating your wine.

It mixes the wine with the air

Decanter (optional, but cool!)

To aerate an entire bottle at once, and then have a kick-ass presentation of red wine, get a decanter. You pour the entire bottle into the decanter. The wide bottom allows all the wine to be exposed to air – thus aeration. I don’t have one yet, but it’s on the list.

Besides stepping-up your wine-presentation game, a decanter can also be used to present/serve wine anonymously. Like, when you want to portray a $8 bottle as a $80 bottle. Good news! Few people can taste the difference.

Aerates wine AND looks cool. Win win!

Chicago Hot Dog

Hot Dog Abomination 1: This is not a Chicago hot dog

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, after seeing this commercial constantly for weeks/months. But then it disappeared – and I couldn’t, in good conscience, NOT include a video (none existed on the internet). Good news: I casually saw the commercial this morning. You’re welcome.

For the past few months, AARP has aired a TV commercial in the Chicago market one too many times – now I need to say something.

Since I’m not in the AARP age demo (yet), I don’t pay much attention to the message. BUT, since it’s aimed at Chicagoans, they feel the need to reference the classic and delicious Chicago-style Hot Dog.

The voice-over lady correctly mentions, using a moderate Chicago accent, that a Chicago hot dog does NOT include ketchup. Good. But then, a few frames later, the hot dog is shown shown with cucumber slices on-top. WTF?!?!?!

Hot Dog Abomination 2: Double-down on the mistake. Oops²

Here’s the list of Chicago-style hot dog ingredients:

• Beef hot dog
• Poppy seed bun (preferred, but not required)
• Yellow mustard
• Onion
• Sweet pickle relish – the greener, the better
• Tomatoes (I prefer a slice cut-in-half over a wedge)
• Sport peppers
• Kosher dill pickle slice
• Celery salt

When I order a hot dog in suburban Chicago with “everything,” this is how it’s prepared. I don’t need to mention any of the ingredients, because we all know how it should be done. If you omit or substitute anything, you’re not eating a “Chicago” style hot dog; it should have another name – I suggest a lesser city, like Indianapolis.

Hot dog? No clue

Before internet, it might have been acceptable for a jodhpurs-wearing Hollywood director to make this mistake. But even Wikipedia knows how to make a Chicago-style hot dog – mostly. Note: the article is clearly not written by a Chicago native,

“…exceptions are common, with vendors adding cucumber slices or lettuce…”

Probably some asshole from St. Louis – I have never seen a hot dog with cucumber or lettuce maintain the “Chicago” name. Get your shit together, Wikipedia!

Note: then, just after the hot dog commercial, I saw a political ad for Tom Steyer. He’s running for President on the Democratic ticket. Since I’m a curmudgeon today, I was triggered when I saw the billionaire hedge fund guy standing in-front of a weathered barn. I guess he’s just a regular guy? C’mon…

Billionaire + dilapidated barn = “regular” person

Weeknight Chili

Here’s another rehash of an earlier published recipe. Why do I do this? I don’t know – to make things clearer?

WTF is “weeknight” chili? Some people will take all day/weekend to cook-up a pot of chili that’s worth eating. Here’s one that you can make after work – in about 90 minutes – and eat that night.

Chili in the pot. Mmm, that looks nice!

Chili
Makes ~1 gallon

INGREDIENTS

• 1/4 cup (4 Tbs) Olive/Vegetable Oil*
• 2 Large Onions, diced
• 1 Red Bell Pepper, diced
• 2 lbs Ground Beef*
• 2 cans (15 oz) Dark Red Kidney Beans, rinsed*
• 1 can (28 oz) Diced Tomatoes
• 1 can (28 oz) Tomato Puree (or crushed tomatoes)*
• 1/4 cup (4 Tbs) Chili Powder*
• 1 Tbs Cumin
• 2 tsp Ground Coriander
• 1 tsp Dried Oregano
• 1 tsp Crushed Red Pepper
• 1/2 tsp Cayenne Pepper
• Salt

SUMMARY

• Cook the vegetables and spices for a few minutes. Then, in the same pot, brown the meat. Add tomatoes and beans and simmer for 60+ minutes. Eat.

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large stock pot, heat the oil, over medium/high heat, until shimmering.
2. Add onions, red pepper, and spices*. Stir to combine and cook until tender – about 8 minutes.

Cooking the spices with the onions/peppers “blooms” them. Don’t worry if they stick to the bottom a bit – they’ll be deglazed later

3. Add beef, stir, and cook until beef has browned – about 8 minutes.
4. Add tomatoes and beans and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover, and cook for 30 minutes.
5. Taste the chili after 30 minutes. Add salt (if needed – will likely be needed, but don’t go apeshit). Continue cooking, with the lid removed, for another 30-45 minutes. Stir occasionally/often.
6. Check the flavor – add more salt if needed. Otherwise, done. Turn-off the heat. You “may” eat now, but it’ll be better tomorrow.
7. Storage: wait until cooled and transfer into a fridge-safe container (I use quart-sized plastic containers). The last time I made this, I filled 3 containers – the remaining chili (one bowl’s worth) became my lunch. Nice. It’ll be good in the fridge for a week. You can move to the freezer whenever, but I recommend cooling in the fridge before moving to the freezer – cool things freeze better than hot.

SERVING NOTES

• Lately, we’ve been ladling this chili over some cooked macaroni noodles. I know it sounds like sacrilege, but it’s a fun way to stretch this into a satisfying carb-feast.
• If you’re not using noodles, try oyster crackers. If you’re against oysters, break-up some saltines.
• Don’t sleep on shredded cheese and sour cream. BUT, unlike my kids, DON’T mix the sour cream into the chili. You want the chili to bump-up against the cool white sour cream. Stirring them together just makes a lighter color chili – which is odd. Kids are stupid.

INGREDIENT NOTES

• Oil: At home, I use olive oil – which is great. But this recipe doesn’t NEED olive oil – any vegetable oil will work to saute onions and bell pepper.
• Beef: Use the 80% beef for chili. You can use 75% too – but I prefer 80. DON’T use the super-lean 90+% meats – those are a ground beef abomination. BTW, we’re talking about fat content: 80% beef means 20% fat.
• Beans: Dark red kidney beans have tougher skins than the light red beans and are preferred for chili. “Chili” beans, which look similar and also sold in cans, have beans + spices. Some people want the grocery store to do their cooking for them. Poor bastards!
• Puree/Crushed Tomatoes: Pureed tomatoes are smoother. We’re using the diced tomatoes for texture, but also need liquid tomatoes. Tomato sauce is too thin and uninteresting, thus puree. It can sometimes be difficult to find, so substitute crushed tomatoes and you’ll still have a winner. If you want to learn more about canned tomatoes (Um, yes!), red this.
• Chili Powder: “Chili” powder is a blend of spices you’d expect to need when making chili. The actual content and amounts depend on the manufacturer. Not the same as “chile” powder, which should be a powder created from a specific pepper (chile), but people use chili/chile interchangeably all the time for no reason. Here’s a link to a Wikipedia article that is confusing AF.

RECIPE FAQs

• Why cook the spices with the onions and peppers? Why not just add those later? >> Spices can take-on different characteristics depending on when they’re added. Cooking ground spices in oil “blooms” the spices, which is good. Check-out this third party verification:

There are two very good reasons for frying ground spices in oil, one chemical and the other physical. First, heating up the spices in oil releases fat-soluble flavor compounds contained within spices like cumin and coriander. Second, adding spices to cooking oil will distribute their flavor far more efficiently in the finished dish than either adding them to the liquid component or stirring them in at the end.

Pre-mix those spices. Don’t wait until the last minute to notice you’re out of coriander