Butternut Squash Soup

Soup! Salad and bread were also served.

It’s fall now, and there’s no better time to enjoy soup: um, it’s getting colder. Also fall-related: butternut squash. Until this soup, I don’t think I’ve ever used butternut squash. Good news: it’s easy.

I changed this up from the source recipe in a number of ways. 1) The source recipe disdains the use of an immersion blender and recommends a regular blender. Well, that’s a pain in the ass and I don’t have a $600 Vitamix with a soup setting. 2) She used vegetable stock. I wanted a little more backbone (ha, get it?) to this soup. 3) She thinks butter is better than heavy cream. Idiot, butter comes from cream… 4) She recommended 4 cloves of garlic – which is a shitload of garlic. Note: my soup may leave you vulnerable to vampires, but it’s superior in every other way.

INGREDIENTS

• 1 large butternut squash – about 3 lbs (1.36 kg)
• 1 onion, chopped fine
• 1 shallot, chopped fine
• 4 cups chicken stock
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 teaspoon maple syrup
• 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
• salt & pepper
• olive oil

SUMMARY

1. Roast the squash
2. Sweat the aromatics
3. Simmer the soup
4. Blend
5. Eat

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Halve the butternut squash lengthwise and remove the seeds with a spoon. Lightly coat the inside of the squash halves with olive oil and sprinkle-on some salt & pepper. Line a sheet pan with parchment paper, and lay the squash cut-side-down on the paper. Roast in a 400 degree oven for about an hour.
2. When done, allow the squash to cool enough to handle. Note: it’s ok if the skin gets all brown and somewhat charred – that’s good roasting! Use a spoon to remove the roasted flesh and put in a bowl or something. Leave the outer skin – we don’t need that.
3. Heat a large saucepan to medium, add 1-2 tablespoons of olive oil, and sweat the onion and shallot until softened – about 8 minutes. Don’t let the onion brown – we’re just trying to sweat these vegetables. Add the garlic and cook for ~30 seconds.
4. Add the chicken stock, squash, nutmeg, and maple syrup and simmer for ~20 minutes. Simmer means that bubbles lightly break the surface, but it’s not a rolling boil. You can cover the pot or not, I don’t care.
5. Turn off the heat, and with your trusty immersion blender, blend the concoction into a consistent creamy soup. Taste. Add salt & pepper as desired. Taste again. Good? Add the heavy cream and buzz a little more. Done.
6. Ladle into soup bowls and eat while contemplating the changing colors of the leaves or some other happy autumn bullshit.

RECIPE NOTES

• Are there any garnishes? >> My original thoughts were to garnish with pumpkin and pomegranate seeds. The pomegranate seeds were a little too sweet – they masked the flavor of the butternut squash. The pumpkin seeds were ok, but I used roasted/salted seeds (white) – I think pepitas (green) would have been better. They are a little more tender and whatnot. For the second go, I just poured-in ~1 Tbs of heavy cream into the soup in the bowl – it made a nice white accent in the middle, which was nice.

Pumpkin & pomegranate – nice idea, but no good

Dollop of heavy cream. Look in the upper-left corner for soup…

THREE DAYS TO GO

Oh shit, it’s Monday of Thanksgiving week, and you’re here hoping that I’ll be able to save you… Well, the good news is that I can. Truth be told, I haven’t even lifted a finger to prepare for Thanksgiving yet, and I’m not worried.

Handsome bird. Can’t wait until you’re in my BELLY!

Here’s my plan – you can probably do this too:

• Remember to use the timeline
• I’m planning to shop this afternoon
• I’ll make turkey stock tomorrow
• I’ll make cranberries on Wednesday
• I’ll do the rest Thursday
• Having six people for dinner – still planning for a 20lb turkey

Chimichurri

What is chimichurri? It’s an Argentine sauce – like a pesto – that’s awesome on grilled meats. When you grill something that doesn’t have too much character, like a chicken breast, it’s either BBQ sauce or something else that provides the flavor. Chimichurri is a great “something else” to put in your sauce arsenal. Bonus, it’s easy (if you have a food processor).

Are you seeing this? It’s beautiful!

Chimichurri
Makes ~1 cup, enough for one dinner

INGREDIENTS

• Fresh Flat leaf parsley, 1 cup packed
• Fresh Oregano, 2 Tbs (or 2 tsp of dried oregano)
• Olive oil, 1 cup
• Red wine vinegar, 2 Tbs
• Garlic, 2 cloves minced
• Salt, 1/2 tsp
• Black pepper, to taste
• Red pepper flake, to taste

INGREDIENT PREP

• Parsley: Rinse. Remove some/most of the stem parts.
• Oregano: Rinse. Pluck the leaves from the stems.

Pour into another container for time in the fridge

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Put all but oil in the food processor
2. Start processing – pour the oil in and keep spinning
3. Pulse a few times to make sure it’s all homogenized
4. Done
5. Put into the fridge for about an hour to blend and mellow
6. Note: This will last about a week in the fridge

RECIPE NOTES

• Is there a way to make this without a food processor? >> No. Grow up and get one.

Also good on grilled vegetables

GFY: Sea Salt!

I referenced a recipe the other day for a BBQ rub. The recipe called for paprika, black pepper, brown sugar, yadda yadda, and sea salt. Why sea salt?

Sea salt farming. Looks shitty. 

I mean, what’s the difference between sea salt and other salts that you might already have in your kitchen? Let’s find out!

Table Salt

Extracted from natural deposits, crushed, and packaged with anti-caking agents (which are inert) and iodine (which is good). The ubiquitous condiment that’s on your table right now.

Kosher Salt

Also extracted from natural deposits, but the grains are larger. Traditionally used by kosher butchers. Chefs like to use kosher salt because the grains are bigger and easier to control. Doe not contain iodine.

Sea Salt

Made from evaporating seawater. Since the ocean contains all kinds of minerals, sea salt can also contain those minerals. BUT, because the ocean might be getting polluted, sea salt may contain some of that too – specifically heavy metals.

Table salt is fine, kosher salt is coarse, and so is sea salt – but sea salt can also be fine. Confused?

Special Salts

• Himalayan Pink Salt: Comes from Pakistan. Contains iron rust – which provides the color. Good to know.
• Flake Salt: This is a sea salt, but it’s evaporated in a way that forms the salt into flakes instead of grains. Specifically useful to top a steak – when you want the salt to dissolve into the meat. Oh, that’s the stuff…

Fleur de sel is flaky. Dandruff is also flaky.

The real difference is the price:

• Table Salt: $0.03/oz
• Kosher Salt: $0.08/oz
• Sea Salt: $0.15/oz
• Himalayan Pink Salt: $0.40/oz
• Flake Salt (Fleur de sel): $1.96/oz
• Flake Salt (Maldon): $0.67/oz

When you look-up health benefits of a kind of salt, the internet should laugh at you. Typical warnings are returned: limit salt intake if you have a condition or something. Whatever. Between salts, you’re really splitting hairs – it’s SALT!

Here’s my salt guidance:

Flake salt on a steak. Nice!

• Table salt: belongs on the table
• Kosher salt: use for cooking
• Sea salt: don’t need
• Pink salt: don’t need
• Flake salt: if you want to be all fancy with a steak, have some, but mostly I enjoy steak at a restaurant

The only reason I can see to call out “sea salt” is to signal you’re a douche bag. Congratulations! So, sea salt, go forget yourself!

 

Lasagna

Time to tweak an 8 year-old recipe that was wildly successful. Why? Because I’ve improved it, of course – that’s what I do…

Basically, it’s the same thing – just a little clarification AND one important change: drain the canned diced tomatoes. Yeah, I know – how could such a small difference warrant an entire recipe update? (checks cost to update recipes … $0) Mostly, I want to make sure my best foot is always put forward. Since my feet are equally perfect, it’s always the case.

Mmm, get some on your plate. TONIGHT!

Anyway, Lasagna
Serves an entire family

INGREDIENTS

• 2 Tbs Olive Oil
• 1 Medium Onion, diced
• 8 oz Mushrooms, sliced
• 1/2 lb Ground Beef
• 1/2 lb Ground Italian Sausage, mild
• 1 Cup Heavy (whipping) Cream
• 1 28 oz Can Diced Tomatoes, drained
• 1 28 oz Can Crushed Tomatoes
• 1 32 oz Tub Ricotta Cheese
• 1 1/4 Cup Parmesan Cheese, grated
• 1 Egg
• 1/2 Cup Fresh Basil, chopped
• 1 lb Mozzarella cheese, grated
• 12 no-boil Lasagna noodles
• Salt & Pepper

SUMMARY

1. Drain the diced tomatoes (position a strainer over the sink or a bowl, dump diced tomatoes in strainer, wait ~5 minutes, done)
2. Cook the sauce (tomatoes and meats)
3. Prepare the filling (cheese)
4. Assemble
5. Bake

INSTRUCTIONS

Sauce

1. In a large Dutch oven, or saucier, heat olive oil until shimmering (1-2 mins). Add onions and mushrooms and ~1 tsp of salt, and cook on low-medium heat until softened – about 5-6 minutes. Cook on low temperature because you don’t want to brown the onions – only soften. Adding salt to the onions and mushrooms will encourage them to soften and make this step a little easier. #smartGuy
2. Add garlic and cook until fragrant – about 30 seconds.
3. Raise temperature to medium, add meats and cook until no pink remains (5 mins), BUT NO FURTHER! Reason: it’s a texture thing.
4. Add 1/2 cup of cream and simmer for 5 minutes. We want the fat from the cream, but not the water – simmering will boil that down a bit.
5. Add canned tomato products and ~1 tsp black pepper and simmer for 10 minutes. If you cook with the cover off, be sure to use a splatter guard to protect your stove – this will splatter all over the place. Or use a lid.
6. Turn off the heat. You can use the sauce now, or safely store in the fridge for a few days to assemble later.

Filling (note: can be done concurrently)

1. Mix about 2/3 of the Ricotta cheese, egg, 1 cup Parmesan, chopped basil, and remaining (1/2 cup) or heavy cream in a bowl.
2. Add ~1 tsp black pepper and mix until homogeneous.

Assembly

1. Pre-heat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Find a 9×13 baking dish (I like to use the disposable foil kind from Costco – you can throw it away when you’re done. Cleaning-up after lasagna is a shitty chore). Make sure it’s at least 2.5″ deep.
3. On the bottom of the pan, add ~1/2 cup of sauce. Tilt the pan so the bottom is covered.
4. Add three no-boil lasagna noodles to cover the bottom. Pro tip: for the left and right noodles, you might want to break-off the outside corners so the noodles conform to the shape of the pan.
5. Top with 1/3 of the Ricotta filling – about 3 Tbs per noodle.
6. Ladle-on 1 1/2 cups of the sauce – covering the Ricotta evenly.
7. Sprinkle 1 cup of Mozzarella over the sauce.
8. Repeat: noodles (no need to break corners this time), Ricotta, sauce, and Mozzarella.
9. Repeat again.
10. Final layer: three more noodles, the remaining sauce (should be about 2 cups remaining), the remaining Mozzarella. And add the remaining Parmesan cheese (should be 1/4 cup you didn’t use in the Ricotta filling).
11. Cover with foil that has been sprayed with non-stick cooking spray (to prevent the cheese coming-up with the tin foil), and bake for 15 minutes. Remove the foil and bake for another 25 minutes, or until the cheese is slightly browned.
12. Let rest 5-10 minutes, cut, serve, and eat.

Lasagna in a disposable pan – cheese slightly browned. Beautiful.

RECIPE NOTES

• Beef AND Italian sausage? >> Yeah. Lots of Italian recipes call for “meatloaf mix” when they’re specifying ground meats. Meatloaf mix is 1/3 ground beef, 1/3 ground pork, and 1/3 ground veal. To me, that’s a major pain in the ass. You can sub-in the Italian sausage (ground pork) and get some extra flavors as well. Be sure to buy loose sausage from the butcher, or cut the sausage out of the link casings – don’t just throw-in some Italian sausage links and think it’s going to work.
• What’s with the heavy cream? >> The classic Bolognese sauce uses milk/cream, and they really knew their business. It almost acts as a panade and keeps the meat moist and delicious. In the Ricotta cheese, the cream keeps things moving – otherwise the cheese tends to be a little sticky.
• What’s with the no-boil noodles? That’s not how grandma makes it! >> There are two reasons: first, no-boil noodles are easier. Second, they are more consistent. If you’ve ever tried to make lasagna from regular noodles, you burn your hands on the hot pasta, rip a few, and then end-up with not enough to make a perfect dish. The no-boil work right every time. Do as I say.
• There aren’t a lot of spices, is this right? >> That’s what I thought too, but it works. Turns-out you don’t need a lot of spices for this lasagna – it’s awesomely fantastic without them. Also, the Italian sausage adds the right amount of backbone so you don’t need extra.
• Does draining the diced tomatoes really make a difference? >> Yes. I did that for the first time last night, and noticed the lasagna was tighter and tasted better. Previously, the lasagna would be a delicious disaster – cutting even slices was a fool’s errand. Now, it held-together better and the flavors were slightly intensified – in a good way. Note: I removed almost a cup of water from the 28 oz can of diced tomatoes – not insignificant.
• What if I don’t like mushrooms? >> First, grow up. Second, you can leave them out – I guess. Maybe just make some Lucky Charms.

 

Keep It Together, People

For some, sequestration is an opportunity to find interests, talents, and skills we never knew existed. For others, it’s a time to lay down and die:

She’s not proud of herself – and Jeffrey is probably ripshit

Ina Garten has decided to spread PB&J on a waffle – and eat it. (she “claims” it was a homemade waffle that was in the freezer – may as well be an Eggo from the gas station)

The fact that it’s easy, doesn’t make it breakfast. Now is not the time to lower our standards – we’ll eventually emerge from quarantine and retake our place in society. Don’t give-up just yet. Scarfing down a few waffles in the dark is ok to sustain life, but don’t crow about it on the Instagram.

Especially not when I have a pile of idiot-proof breakfasts for you to enjoy:

• Biscuits and Gravy
• Scrambled Eggs w/ Bacon
• Ham & Cheese Quiche
• Bacon & Onion Quiche
• Crepes
• Fried Egg Sandwich

Just because I don’t love you doesn’t mean you can’t love yourself.

Also, “somehow, PB&J landed on it…” Are there mischievous elves in her kitchen? WTF.

Corona Cooking

Just because you’re locked in one place with your family doesn’t mean you can’t eat well, does it? No.

Instead of mourning the closing of swank eateries in your town, head into the kitchen and rattle some pots and pans.

Here are some ideas:

• Chili
• Spaghetti
• Cheddar Corn Chowder (or any soup, really)

and, let’s not forget Daddy’s (or Mommy’s) medicine:

• Manhattan
• Martini

Of course, this all depends on the status of your local grocer. I was at the market yesterday, and noticed that all (like, seriously, ALL) the canned tomatoes were gone. My guess: people are preparing to make my chili and spaghetti recipes – good for them! If you’re not already provisioned, um, oops…

Also missing from the store yesterday: rice, beans, pasta, toilet paper. Toilet paper: we’re doomed.

Seafood Chowder

I don’t get much seafood chowder, but I had a bowl last year that made me want to seek this out. Often. Tip: here’s my source recipe – Thanks Tyler!

So, WTF is chowder, anyway? You’d think that a “chowder” is a cream-based soup that contains clams. What about “corn chowder?” Ok, a cream-based soup that contains potatoes? What about “Manhattan-style clam chowder?” Ok, a chunky soup? Based on my cursory research (um, Wikipedia), there’s no apparent consensus on chowder. In America, we do what we want: “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!” Whatever the etymology, enjoy this cream-based chunky fish soup with potatoes.

Tastes like the ocean – and dill. Nice.

Seafood Chowder
Serves 4

INGREDIENTS

• 4 Tbs Butter
• 8 oz Mushrooms, quartered
• 1 medium/large Onion, dice
• 2 Ribs Celery, diced
• 2 Tbs Flour
• 1 cup (8 oz) Bottled Clam Juice
• 1 cup Seafood Stock
• 3 cups Half & Half
• 1-2 lbs Red Potatoes, peeled & diced
• 1 Bay Leaf
• 2 lbs Seafood*, cut into bite-sized pieces
• Salt & Pepper
• Toppings: Lemon, Dill, Hot Sauce, Bacon, whatever

SUMMARY

1. Cook mushrooms (remove mushrooms).
2. Cook vegetables (leave in).
3. Roux. Add liquids. Simmer potatoes.
4. Add seafood.
5. Done.

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a stock pot, melt 2 Tbs butter over medium heat. Cook the mushrooms until they take-on some color. You don’t want to reduce the mushrooms too much – try to preserve their texture. This should take ~5 minutes. Remove mushrooms.
2. Add the remaining 2 Tbs of butter and cook onions and celery until softened, but not browned – about 5 minutes.
3. Add flour and stir. The butter should soak-up the flour and start a roux. Cook the flour for 1-2 minutes. It’ll be dry in there – no worries.
   

   Mmm, bottled clam juice

4. Add the clam juice and the seafood stock. Stir. The flour/roux will thicken the fish juices. Once that happens, add the half & half and stir. Once that’s heated-through, add the potatoes and mushrooms to the pot and cook for about 15 minutes, or until the potatoes are cooked. This depends on the size of your diced potatoes.
5. Check the consistency – if it’s a little too thick, add more seafood stock to thin it. If it’s too thin, hmm… Tough shit – use this as a learning experience.
6. When the potatoes are done (or even better, “almost” done) add the seafood. The hot soup will cook the seafood in just a few minutes – awesome.
7. Watch the seafood. When it’s done, the chowder is done – about 5 minutes. Check the seasoning and add salt & pepper as needed
8. Serve in a bowl (duh). Top with a few sprigs of fresh dill and a squeeze of lemon. I also like to sprinkle-on some bacon bits, but that’s me. If you’re inclined, add hot sauce. Serve with some crusty bread. Do it!

RECIPE NOTES

• Seafood. I’ve made this a few times with shrimp and salmon – which is a good combo (1 lb each), but you can use any seafood you like. I recommend keeping it mild – you don’t want to ruin your kitchen with stank-fish.
• Clam juice. Yeah, it sounded a little too much to me, but it really makes for a nice flavor – not too much, just the right amount of clammy goodness.
• Potatoes. My source recipe called for russet potatoes. Nope. I like the waxy red potatoes for soups. 1-2 lbs because it’s up to you how much you like potatoes!
• Seafood stock. My source recipe didn’t call for it, but I like it to thin-out the dairy.
• Half & half. It’s correct for this recipe, but you can use some milk if it feels like too much fat, pussy.

 

Thanksgiving Sovereignty

Thanksgiving is in three days, but you wouldn’t guess that if you walked outside in my neighborhood. It looks more like Santa is imminently ready to break-into people’s homes and deposit Chinese trinkets – tonight even.

Today is November 25, not December 25

What’s with Christmas jumping the holiday timeline?

To me, Thanksgiving is the best holiday of the year: good* food, family, and no gifts. Why spoil that with the opposite: questionable food, more family, and bushels of unneeded and under-appreciated gifts? That’s fucked-up!

Some people will defend the early-onslaught of Christmas – and excuse the overreach. To those people, I call bullshit! There are only a few reasons to pre-prepare for Christmas BEFORE Thanksgiving:

• You want to get an early-start on the holiday light set-up, and it’s a rare warm weekend in November

That’s it. AND, even if you set-up lights before Thanksgiving, you are not permitted to light those lights until Black Friday – it should be a law.

Love this douchebaggery

Many people might think me a grouchy old crank who needs to get over it like Mick Mulvaney (classic). To those I say, “Yes, I am a crank!” But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

Here are the reasons people preempt Thanksgiving with Christmas:

• My family and I are lousy cooks, we don’t look forward to a bad meal and awkward political conversations, so I fast-forward to Christmas – with the candies and the chocolates and the diabetes.
  You are a child. Grow up, learn to cook, and savor a fine meal. Tell your political opponents to fuck themselves. And lay-off the sweets, chub.
• Christmas decorations are soooooooo pretty. It’d be a shame to only have them up for 34 days (assuming Black Friday installation and New Years’ Day take-down), when I can extend that to 40 (assuming November 28 set-up).
  You are a child. 34 days is nearly 10% of the year. If that’s not enough, maybe you need more hardship in your life.
• The kids love it!
  Good idea. Let the kids run the world.
• I am a weak person who deserves and seeks instant gratification.
  Bingo.

What about retailers? They are only responding to customers. Just like the stores that are open on Thanksgiving for early Black Friday shoppers. Stores sell Christmas decorations early, people bitch and moan, and reliably shop. If there were no shoppers, the stores would adjust in kind.

Note: “good” food on Thanksgiving is standard at my house, but completely within reach for you. Check-out this post from a couple years ago that puts most of my Thanksgiving lessons in one place.

How Not to Impress for Thanksgiving

Our friends at Food Network have some advice for hosts this Thanksgiving. Let’s check-out the wisdom:

What’s on the menu this year at Food Network? Failure.

 

• Christian Petroni: It’s meant to be fun.
  The funnest part is eating an excellent meal. The cooking should be like a grueling triathlon only enjoyed in reminiscence.
• Christian Petroni: Make some dishes a day or two in advance, and “toast-up” in the oven the day-of.
  Some things can be cooked before the day, but you should be starting first-thing in the morning on Thanksgiving to ensure 1) things are cooked by the deadline, 2) you’re serving “fresh” “day-of” food, and 3) you have plenty of slack time for Thanksgiving Bloody Marys and NFL Football (note: the Bears are playing again this year – I don’t know if that’s a good thing…)
• Alex Guarnaschelli: Don’t make a menu when you’re starving – it’ll be too big.
  This is good advice if you’re an idiot.
• Alex Guarnaschelli: Make your menu, then cross half of it off, then start cooking.
  This is like a road map to failure. If you want to impress, you need to go for it!
• Carla Hall: Put pots on the stove to see what will fit – then put sticky notes on the pots to remember what’s to be in them.
  More advice for idiots. Thanks? If you don’t know what fits on your stove, and can’t remember what to put in the pots, you’re not ready…
• Carla Hall: Cook the turkey alone in the oven.
  Good advice, but this sound bite doesn’t tell the whole story: Cook the turkey alone so it’s cooked on-time and thoroughly. Then, rest the turkey on the counter loosely covered with foil (a turkey can rest for a long time) while you finish-up oven items. You should have pre-cooked oven items in the morning before the turkey was inserted.
• Giada De Laurentiis: Don’t make everything. Make the turkey and one side – let your friends and family bring a side or bring a dessert.
  This is BULL SHIT! Thanksgiving is your time to shine. It’s like the MF’ing Super Bowl of cooking. If you succeed, your friends and family will reward you with admiration and respect. If you apologize with a turkey and a side, people will know you are a poseur. Your choice.
• Christian Petroni: Just try to relax – it’s not that serious.
  Um, it’s serious. I am judging you. All. The. Time.

 

Here are my tips:

1. General: Don’t fuck it up.
2. Planning: Use my timeline. It works like a charm.
3. Menu: Stick with a standard menu – swap out, or add, one item per year. Why only one? Because when it’s a failure, your guests can fall-back on the other successful items.

   Standard menu: Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, corn, cranberry sauce, and rolls. I might do something with Brussels sprouts this year – not decided.

4. Guests: No assholes.
5. Clean-up: That’s the other guy’s problem.
6. Leftovers: Keep enough to have an entire additional Thanksgiving alone the following day – the rest can leave with the friends and loved-ones.

This is how it should look