Be Better: Bar Tools

Beer and wine aside, you need some other specialized tools for cocktail preparation.

 

Jigger

A jigger is a tool to measure liquor. Sounds simple enough. Most jiggers are shaped like an hourglass: two cones stacked on top of one another. Typical cup sizes are 1.5 oz and 0.75 oz, but you can buy other sizes too. Most cocktail recipes call for, either, a discrete amount (e.g. 1 oz.) or a ratio amount (e.g. 1 part).

Fancier than mine – this measures in mls – probably some pretentious eurotrash

 

Strainer

This is used to keep ice (or other solids) from being poured into your cocktail glass. Even if you’re the kind of person that likes his/her drinks “on the rocks,” a good strainer is a requirement. You don’t want broken-up ice shards to contaminate your perfectly balanced cocktail. Trust me, it’s a heinous abomination.

Hawthorne strainer on the left, Julep strainer on the right. Both’ll do the job nicely

There are two basic kinds of strainers: one that looks like a slinky (Hawthorne) and one that looks like a flat metal disc (Julep). I primarily use a Hawthorne strainer, but can see the virtue of the Julep strainer – it’ll do a better job of keeping muddled mint leaves out of your Derby Mint Julep.

 

Shaker/Mixing Glass

Though it’s called a “shaker,” I use this to prepare most cocktails – some are shaken. Many people (I used to be one of these people) think that all/most “cocktails” should be shaken – it looks cool and “what could be the harm, anyway?” Boy, was I wrong…

Boston: Two cups that fit into one another. Plus, close your eyes and listen to the wind…

The only time you should shake a cocktail is to froth something (cream or egg white) or release citrus. Other cocktails should just be stirred.

There are two basic kinds of shakers:

• Boston Shaker: Two cups that fit within each other – the drink is prepared/shaken then poured-out from one of the cups through a separate strainer. On a fishing trip, I forgot the shaker, so I made a “ghetto shaker” out of two plastic cups found in the cupboard. I am like MacGyver.
  

  Assortment of cobbler shakers. I like solid gold!

• Cobbler Shaker: A three-part contraption consisting of a cup, a top which usually includes a small strainer, and a cap that fits over the strainer. This is the kind of strainer I have at home, but be careful when using this kind of strainer! It’s difficult to find one that doesn’t leak or misdirect your cocktail to other places besides the cocktail glass.

Oh, and James Bond, who prefers his Vodka Martini “shaken, not stirred” is an idiot. For two reasons:

1. “Vodka” martini? WTF?
2. Shaken martinis will leave ice shards in your glass. Lame.

 

Bar Spoon

The red end can be replaced with a muddler or a fork or something else?

A bar spoon is used to, primarily, stir drinks. Full disclosure: I make a lot (like, a shitload!) of Manhattans. Before I use the bar spoon to stir the cocktail, I use it to extract a Luxardo cherry from the jar and place into the glass. Then, still gooey from cherry syrup, I quickly put into the shaker to further sweeten the brew. It’s a whole thing…

A typical bar spoon is about a foot long – allowing you to keep your fingers clean and dry while performing your duties. Most have a threaded shaft which makes twirling the spoon easier (?). I don’t know if that’s true – any spoon should be easy enough to twirl – but they all seem to be built the same way.

Bonus: some spoons (I have one at home) have a flat disc on the opposite end – for muddling! Interesting…

 

Muddler (depends on the kind of cocktails you’re making)

Cooks Illustrated magazine was testing muddlers… No need, you can even use the end of a broom handle

A muddler is a tool used to mash/muddle/crush fruits, herbs, or other ingredients in the bottom of a glass. The most common drinks that could use a muddler are the Mint Julep, the Mojito, or the Old Fashioned. For the Mint Julep and Mojito, fresh mint leaves are muddled in the bottom of the glass. This releases the essential oils from the leaves and flavors/perfumes the drink. How nice! For the Old Fashioned, a sugar cube is muddled with bitters. This will crush and dissolve the sugar into the aromatic bitters (like, “aerating” the bitters – akin to shaking).

Owning a muddler really depends on your needs and tastes. I don’t have a stand-alone muddler, but I do have a “muddling spoon” (apparently a separate page on Wikipedia) – which I’ve never used. The only Old Fashioned I’ve made at home is the Wisconsin favorite,

Olives? Nope.

Brandy Old Fashioned Sweet

• Brandy
• Sprite
• Maraschino Cherry (plus juice, if you like)

1. In a short glass, with ice, add one shot (remember: the jigger holds 1.5 oz or 0.75 oz – power-up or power-down) of brandy
2. Fill the rest with Sprite (Sierra Mist is ok too)
3. Top with cherry – and a little juice if you like it really sweet
4. Enjoy to lift your spirits after the Bears COMPLETELY DISMANTLE THE DAMN packers. Stupid cheeseheads…

Note: just checked the internet, and most “Brandy Old Fashioned” recipes – even the ones called “Wisconsin Old Fashioned” still call for bitters and a sugar cube IN ADDITION to the Sprite. Type-2 Diabetes patient zero was from Wisconsin – I bet.

Be Better: Wine & Beer Tools

Nothing here should surprise you, but let’s consider what you need to properly process beer and wine in the home. Or stick-with canned beer and screw-top wine.

I remember the beeramid, but those days are over.

Bottle Opener

Sure, you have a bottle-opener at the end of your can opener or wine corkscrew, or a keychain beer opener, or even the skills to use the edge of the countertop – congratulations! But, if you want to be thought of, and treated like, an adult, you should get a decent bottle opener to open your pretentious over-priced beers. That’s classy shit.

Almost anything can be used to open a bottle – time to get something that shows you know what you’re doing

Good Wine Opener

I use a waiter’s corkscrew. It’s a simple tool – using leverage to open a wine bottle. It folds-up and takes-up little space in the drawer. Most people have one, or multiple, corkscrews with two handles (aka Winged Corkscrew). These work ok – but they take longer to operate and take-up more space. Still others opt for the battery-operated wine opener or the Rabbit. These are fine, but it’s really far more tool than you need. Minimize.

Work smarter, not harder

Some tools that don’t rely on the corkscrew motion at all:

2 prongs – pull cork

• Twin-prong Cork Puller (aka Butler’s Friend):
  Two blades that slide-down opposite sides of the cork, allowing you to twist the cork from the bottle. Apparently, this is used to extract the cork without damaging it – so you can sample the wine and replace the cork. Um, yeah, this will never happen in the real world…
• Wine Poppers:
  Employ a needle to inject air or carbon dioxide into the bottle to pop the cork out.

But, I prefer the simplicity and reliability of the classic corkscrew. Simple is good.

Wine Stopper

I have a handful of these – some with a pump designed to remove air from the bottle. They work ok, but I think they are a pain, and I don’t use them very often. In the end, get two: one for white and one for red wines. It’s possible, but unlikely, that you’ll have more than one open bottle of a color of wine – so you don’t need too many of these. I like the simple rubber version – the stopper doesn’t stick-out too far from the top of the bottle and allows me to fit the white wine back in the fridge. Note: don’t put red wine in the fridge, unless you’re my in-laws…

They won’t keep-out the air (oh dear), but they are easy

Wine Aerator

It’s a simple tool that attaches to the top of the bottle to aerate the wine as you pour it into the glass. It’s not needed for white wine – in fact, you’ll look like an idiot if you aerate white wine – but required for red wine. Sure, you can open a bottle of red and drink it down in a hurry. But to vastly improve the taste, you should be aerating your wine.

It mixes the wine with the air

Decanter (optional, but cool!)

To aerate an entire bottle at once, and then have a kick-ass presentation of red wine, get a decanter. You pour the entire bottle into the decanter. The wide bottom allows all the wine to be exposed to air – thus aeration. I don’t have one yet, but it’s on the list.

Besides stepping-up your wine-presentation game, a decanter can also be used to present/serve wine anonymously. Like, when you want to portray a $8 bottle as a $80 bottle. Good news! Few people can taste the difference.

Aerates wine AND looks cool. Win win!

Chicago Hot Dog

Hot Dog Abomination 1: This is not a Chicago hot dog

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, after seeing this commercial constantly for weeks/months. But then it disappeared – and I couldn’t, in good conscience, NOT include a video (none existed on the internet). Good news: I casually saw the commercial this morning. You’re welcome.

For the past few months, AARP has aired a TV commercial in the Chicago market one too many times – now I need to say something.

Since I’m not in the AARP age demo (yet), I don’t pay much attention to the message. BUT, since it’s aimed at Chicagoans, they feel the need to reference the classic and delicious Chicago-style Hot Dog.

The voice-over lady correctly mentions, using a moderate Chicago accent, that a Chicago hot dog does NOT include ketchup. Good. But then, a few frames later, the hot dog is shown shown with cucumber slices on-top. WTF?!?!?!

Hot Dog Abomination 2: Double-down on the mistake. Oops²

Here’s the list of Chicago-style hot dog ingredients:

• Beef hot dog
• Poppy seed bun (preferred, but not required)
• Yellow mustard
• Onion
• Sweet pickle relish – the greener, the better
• Tomatoes (I prefer a slice cut-in-half over a wedge)
• Sport peppers
• Kosher dill pickle slice
• Celery salt

When I order a hot dog in suburban Chicago with “everything,” this is how it’s prepared. I don’t need to mention any of the ingredients, because we all know how it should be done. If you omit or substitute anything, you’re not eating a “Chicago” style hot dog; it should have another name – I suggest a lesser city, like Indianapolis.

Hot dog? No clue

Before internet, it might have been acceptable for a jodhpurs-wearing Hollywood director to make this mistake. But even Wikipedia knows how to make a Chicago-style hot dog – mostly. Note: the article is clearly not written by a Chicago native,

“…exceptions are common, with vendors adding cucumber slices or lettuce…”

Probably some asshole from St. Louis – I have never seen a hot dog with cucumber or lettuce maintain the “Chicago” name. Get your shit together, Wikipedia!

Note: then, just after the hot dog commercial, I saw a political ad for Tom Steyer. He’s running for President on the Democratic ticket. Since I’m a curmudgeon today, I was triggered when I saw the billionaire hedge fund guy standing in-front of a weathered barn. I guess he’s just a regular guy? C’mon…

Billionaire + dilapidated barn = “regular” person

Weeknight Chili

Here’s another rehash of an earlier published recipe. Why do I do this? I don’t know – to make things clearer?

WTF is “weeknight” chili? Some people will take all day/weekend to cook-up a pot of chili that’s worth eating. Here’s one that you can make after work – in about 90 minutes – and eat that night.

Chili in the pot. Mmm, that looks nice!

Chili
Makes ~1 gallon

INGREDIENTS

• 1/4 cup (4 Tbs) Olive/Vegetable Oil*
• 2 Large Onions, diced
• 1 Red Bell Pepper, diced
• 2 lbs Ground Beef*
• 2 cans (15 oz) Dark Red Kidney Beans, rinsed*
• 1 can (28 oz) Diced Tomatoes
• 1 can (28 oz) Tomato Puree (or crushed tomatoes)*
• 1/4 cup (4 Tbs) Chili Powder*
• 1 Tbs Cumin
• 2 tsp Ground Coriander
• 1 tsp Dried Oregano
• 1 tsp Crushed Red Pepper
• 1/2 tsp Cayenne Pepper
• Salt

SUMMARY

• Cook the vegetables and spices for a few minutes. Then, in the same pot, brown the meat. Add tomatoes and beans and simmer for 60+ minutes. Eat.

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large stock pot, heat the oil, over medium/high heat, until shimmering.
2. Add onions, red pepper, and spices*. Stir to combine and cook until tender – about 8 minutes.

Cooking the spices with the onions/peppers “blooms” them. Don’t worry if they stick to the bottom a bit – they’ll be deglazed later

3. Add beef, stir, and cook until beef has browned – about 8 minutes.
4. Add tomatoes and beans and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover, and cook for 30 minutes.
5. Taste the chili after 30 minutes. Add salt (if needed – will likely be needed, but don’t go apeshit). Continue cooking, with the lid removed, for another 30-45 minutes. Stir occasionally/often.
6. Check the flavor – add more salt if needed. Otherwise, done. Turn-off the heat. You “may” eat now, but it’ll be better tomorrow.
7. Storage: wait until cooled and transfer into a fridge-safe container (I use quart-sized plastic containers). The last time I made this, I filled 3 containers – the remaining chili (one bowl’s worth) became my lunch. Nice. It’ll be good in the fridge for a week. You can move to the freezer whenever, but I recommend cooling in the fridge before moving to the freezer – cool things freeze better than hot.

SERVING NOTES

• Lately, we’ve been ladling this chili over some cooked macaroni noodles. I know it sounds like sacrilege, but it’s a fun way to stretch this into a satisfying carb-feast.
• If you’re not using noodles, try oyster crackers. If you’re against oysters, break-up some saltines.
• Don’t sleep on shredded cheese and sour cream. BUT, unlike my kids, DON’T mix the sour cream into the chili. You want the chili to bump-up against the cool white sour cream. Stirring them together just makes a lighter color chili – which is odd. Kids are stupid.

INGREDIENT NOTES

• Oil: At home, I use olive oil – which is great. But this recipe doesn’t NEED olive oil – any vegetable oil will work to saute onions and bell pepper.
• Beef: Use the 80% beef for chili. You can use 75% too – but I prefer 80. DON’T use the super-lean 90+% meats – those are a ground beef abomination. BTW, we’re talking about fat content: 80% beef means 20% fat.
• Beans: Dark red kidney beans have tougher skins than the light red beans and are preferred for chili. “Chili” beans, which look similar and also sold in cans, have beans + spices. Some people want the grocery store to do their cooking for them. Poor bastards!
• Puree/Crushed Tomatoes: Pureed tomatoes are smoother. We’re using the diced tomatoes for texture, but also need liquid tomatoes. Tomato sauce is too thin and uninteresting, thus puree. It can sometimes be difficult to find, so substitute crushed tomatoes and you’ll still have a winner. If you want to learn more about canned tomatoes (Um, yes!), red this.
• Chili Powder: “Chili” powder is a blend of spices you’d expect to need when making chili. The actual content and amounts depend on the manufacturer. Not the same as “chile” powder, which should be a powder created from a specific pepper (chile), but people use chili/chile interchangeably all the time for no reason. Here’s a link to a Wikipedia article that is confusing AF.

RECIPE FAQs

• Why cook the spices with the onions and peppers? Why not just add those later? >> Spices can take-on different characteristics depending on when they’re added. Cooking ground spices in oil “blooms” the spices, which is good. Check-out this third party verification:

There are two very good reasons for frying ground spices in oil, one chemical and the other physical. First, heating up the spices in oil releases fat-soluble flavor compounds contained within spices like cumin and coriander. Second, adding spices to cooking oil will distribute their flavor far more efficiently in the finished dish than either adding them to the liquid component or stirring them in at the end.

Pre-mix those spices. Don’t wait until the last minute to notice you’re out of coriander

I know it was you, Alfredo

For Italian food (pronounced, EYE-talian), sauces come in three colors: green, white, and red. Alfredo is the white one.

You broke my heart… with all the fat and cholesterol

Historically, Alfredo was paired with fettuccine from the start. It started as fettuccine al burro or pasta al burro e parmigiano and was, simply, fettuccine, Parmesan  cheese, and butter – which sounds way healthier than the version we’re eating today.

Modern fettuccine Alfredo was invented by Alfredo di Lelio in Rome who tripled the amount of butter, and we were off to the races. The fat races. In America, the sauce has become a thick and rich white sauce designed to keep us fed in the manner to which we’ve become accustomed.

Last night it was poured-on tortellini and topped with frozen peas. Still great!

Mock Alfredo Sauce
Serves 4 adults (and don’t forget to eat a salad along side this dish)

Note: even though modern Alfredo sauce already differs from legacy, THIS recipe differs from even that. The current “classic” recipe relies on heavy cream – we won’t be using any heavy cream today…

INGREDIENTS

• 5 Tbs Butter
• 3 Tbs Flour
• 2+ cups Milk
• 1-2 cloves Garlic, minced
• 6 oz Parmesan cheese, grated
• 2-3 tsp Black pepper
• Nutmeg (optional)

SUMMARY

1. Start by making a Béchamel sauce (you know, roux + milk) then add garlic
2. Melt-in Parmesan cheese and a shitload of black pepper
3. Stir and serve

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Guess what? We’re starting with a roux. In a medium saucepan over medium heat, melt the butter. Add flour and whisk until the flour is cooked by the melted butter – about 2 minutes.
2. Add 1 cup of milk (half the milk) and whisk to combine. Don’t stop whisking until the mixture begins to thicken, then add the 2nd cup of milk and continue whisking. We whisk continually to ensure we’re creating a smooth and velvety sauce.
3. Add garlic.
4. If the sauce is a little too thick, add extra milk – add less than you think, it will stiffen as it cooks.
5. Add Parmesan cheese and whisk continually again. The cheese will begin melting – eventually becoming smooth. If you use “Parmesan” from a can, it will be grittier than fresh.
6. Add a lot of fresh cracked black pepper – ooh, that’s the stuff!
7. If you want nutmeg, which is nice in a white sauce, add some now – like 1/4-1/2 tsp.
8. Stir to bring it all together.
9. Serve.

SERVING NOTES

• For fettuccine, you should mix the sauce with the cooked noodles and combine (lift with tongs a number of times to really get each noodle married to the sauce)
• For other pastas, you can pour-on like any ol’ pot of ragu
• You can also add things: meats, vegetables, and others. Alfredo sauce is a forgiving and garlicky canvas – use it to create a masterpiece (…I started laughing when I thought of YOU creating a masterpiece. Ah, good times…)

RECIPE NOTES

• Why “mock,” don’t you trust me with the actual recipe? >> I was in the fridge last night and saw only milk – no cream, but I really wanted Alfredo. This is easier than the cream-based sauce – more forgiving – and easy to scale-up to feed an army. And, no, I don’t trust you.
• What’s with the history lesson? >> I’m tired of being the smartest one in the room. If you read a book, once in a while, I’d rest easier.
• Why can’t the milk be measured exactly? >> The amount of liquid needed in a recipe that uses a roux is always an estimate. The thickening power of the roux depends on how much you cook the flour. Flour’s thickening capabilities are reduced the more you cook. Happy?
• How does this compare to the Olive Garden? >> I checked, and the O.G. posts their recipe online. Turns-out, they use flour AND heavy cream. Why choose when you can have both?

Picnic Rules

Be a good citizen at a crowded picnic – or we’ll hate you

Recently, my wife and I spent a lovely evening at Ravinia enjoying 80’s alternative music. The typical fare* at Ravinia is a blanket, chairs, a table, picnic foods, and a couple/several bottles of wine.

Usually, this is the time for me to break-out the fancy AF finger sandwiches. But this time, we just picked-up Jersey Mike’s and made it easy. Don’t worry, there was still wine.

Anyway, as people began to fill-in, and space became limited, we started to notice some foul odors seeping-into my pleasant evening. Which made me think of a few rules for these kinds of events:

NO TUNA

Sometimes, nothing satisfies like a tuna salad sandwich. You know what NEVER satisfies? Smelling someone else eating a tuna salad sandwich. DON’T PUNISH ME WITH YOUR SEAFOOD!

NO BÁNH MÌ

Smells as good as it looks? Nope.

Until a few years ago, I had never eaten a bánh mì*. There’s a place across the street from my office that sells all kinds of luncheon delights from stalls: The French Market. It’s mostly overpriced, but when you’re tired of the train station food court, it’s a nice escape. There is a Vietnamese stall at the French Market that sells bánh mì sandwiches – great! But, the place smells like a dirty diaper.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED SATURDAY NIGHT AT RAVINIA! The couple directly behind us was having a celebration of bánh mì. For a while, I thought someone crapped their pants – maybe even me, but then realized what was happening… Luckily, the smell only lasted ~45 minutes and I was able to resume normal breathing toward the end.

I’m sure we can all put our heads together, and think-up a number of other rules we’d like to see enforced (how about a “hey, keep it down while others are trying to hear Morrissey sweat-out another obscure deep cut or odd cover” rule), but I’d rather we all use our common senses:

1. Golden rule
2. That’s it

Thanks! And, you’re welcome for making the world a better place!

 

NOTES:

• Ravinia Kit: We try to go a few times a year – usually to see/hear classical music. The key to enjoyment is to be well-equipped. We have a roll-up table with tablecloth, fold-up chairs, a few blankets, a wine bag, and a candelabra with battery-operated tapers.

Not pictured: candelabra

• Bánh Mì: I guess bánh mì means “bread” in Vietnamese, but I know it as a sandwich. They’re usually filled with picked vegetables, which bring the funk – in a good way!
• Morrissey: The show was good – well performed, but we wanted songs more from The Smiths. My wife got a t-shirt at the merch tent – I looked for steak knives, but didn’t find any. Next time.

Golabki

While I enjoy Polish heritage, this is a dish that I never had as a child. Weird. It wasn’t until I started to participate in office potlucks to first give this a shot. Those were generally terrible. I recently made this for the annual fishing trip, and was able to come-up with a version that is truly awesome. Also, it’s one of the cheapest ways to feed dinner to your family. Bonus!

Um, yeah, this is going to be a big meal

Gołąbki (pronounced, GWUMP-key)
Serves 5-6 Polacks; probably more Italians, Irish, or Cambodians

Ingredients

• 1* Whole Head of Green Cabbage
• 1 Large Onion, chopped
• 2 Tbs Butter
• 1 lb Ground Beef
• 1/2 lb Ground Pork
• 1 1/2 Cups Cooked Rice
• 1 tsp Garlic, minced
• 1 tsp Salt
• 1/4 tsp Black Pepper
• 1 Cup Beef Stock
• Sour Cream

Summary

1. Cook rice and onions separately – let cool
2. Blanch the cabbage
3. Mix-together filling
4. Wrap filling in cabbage leaves
5. Bake

Instructions

1. Remove the core from the cabbage: use a sharp/thin knife to cut-out a pyramid from the bottom of the cabbage. Place the whole head into a large/huge pot of salted boiling water. Boil for ~3 minutes and remove. Use tongs to remove the leaves – they should be soft. If not soft, put the cabbage back into the pot for a minute or two until you can peel the leaves. You need whole leaves, so don’t fuck it up. I pull the leaves off the head while the cabbage is floating in the water – seems easier.

Insert the knife at an angle, rotate it around until you’ve cut-out the core

2. For each cabbage leaf, use a paring knife to trim the center stalk so it’s not so tough. Don’t remove the stalk entirely, simply thin it. You’ll understand once you start doing.

Left: there’s the vein. Right: there it is again – removed.

3. Chop-up the remaining cabbage.
4. Add chopped cabbage to the bottom of a 9×13″ baking dish – about 1.5″ high of chopped cabbage is good – this will be a bed for the cabbage rolls, and will be delicious later.
5. Cook the onion in the butter until softened and slightly browned. Set aside to cool.
6. Cook the rice per rice instructions and set aside to cool. You can cook the rice an onions earlier – since they need to cool off anyway…
7. Mix the beef, pork, onions, rice, garlic, and salt & pepper in a bowl. Don’t over-mix – that will make the filling tough. We want tender filling, dammit!
8. Put 1/2 cup filling in a cabbage leaf, and wrap like a Polish burrito: Left, right, then roll-up from the bottom. Do this 17 more times. Place each roll, seam-side down, in the baking dish. If you remember 4th grade Math, we’re going for 3 columns of 6 rolls each (3×6=18). Hooray!
   1. Note: instead of exactly 1/2 cup of filling, you really need 1/18th of the filling per cabbage roll. Good luck!

Fold-in the left side, fold-in the right side, roll-up from the bottom. Repeat.

9. Pour beef stock over cabbage rolls, cover, and bake in a 350 degree oven for 75 minutes. You’re cooking this until the filling is cooked and the cabbage is tender – most of the green should have been cooked-out and it’ll look like a drab pan of Polish food – in a good way.

See how the green has been cooked-out? This is correct.

10. Serve with a dollop of sour cream (Polacks put sour cream on everything).
11. Oh, that’s good…

Recipe Notes

• Will one head of cabbage be enough? >> Maybe. I like the “pretty” leaves that are toward the outside of the cabbage, so I use two heads. It’s possible that one head will be enough, but cabbage is cheap and I’m made of money…
• What kind of rice should I use? >> I use Uncle Ben’s rice – something simple and instant will be good. We’re using the rice as a filling – doesn’t matter what kind. I guess you can even use left-over Chinese food rice; YOU, not me.
• No tomatoes? I’ve seen this with tomato sauce on top >> Yes, me too. Some recipes call for pouring tomato soup on the top – seems weird. My guess is there are plenty of versions of “stuffed cabbage” out there, and the tomato version is one of them. Give this a try – if you need tomato soup next time, so be it.

G&T

Few people need a recipe for Gin & Tonic, but you never know. Maybe you just woke-up from a coma with severe brain damage, and need a refresher on the basics…

G&T. On a boat. In wisconsin. Check-out the lime wedge and wheel – fancy AF

G&T (aka Gin and Tonic)
Serves one – but make more for friends and lovers

Ingredients

• Gin*
• Tonic
• Ice
• Lime wedge
• Lime wheel (optional – garnish only)

Instructions

1. In a tall glass*, add ice – almost to the top
2. Squeeze the lime wedge into the glass. Make sure you get all the juice – lime is good. Drop the wedge into the glass.
3. Pour-in a shot (1.5 oz) of gin
4. Fill the rest of the glass with tonic. Note: this is NOT club soda, which has no, or very little, taste. Tonic contains quinine and a sweetener. What is quinine? “Quinine is a bitter compound that comes from the bark of the cinchona tree.” Satisfied? I didn’t think so. It’s basically a compound used to treat malaria. Legend has it, that the bitter taste of quinine “forced” British colonials to mix it with gin to make it palatable, thus the cocktail. History is fun!
5. Stir. Now is the time to use a swizzle stick or a straw or a spoon or a knife or your finger. Remember to stir gently – you don’t want to de-fizz that tonic!
6. Drink. Also, it’s proper to drink more than one – try five or six, I won’t judge you.

Notes

• What kind of gin should I be using for this? >> Like most things, quality matters. I have two standard gins at home: Bombay Sapphire and Tanqueray. I like the sapphire for G&T and Tanqueray for martinis. The Bombay Sapphire is very botanical – which is nice for the summertime. 

Bombay, on the left, is good for G&Ts. Tanqueray, on the right, is good for martinis

• There are many tall glasses – which is proper? >> First, I’m glad you’re concerned with this – it shows you have a mind and an eye toward design, which is refreshing. While some people would drink this from a coffee cup, true connoisseurs know we taste with the eyes first. There are a shitload of bar glasses, I’d use a Collins glass for a G&T. A highball glass would also be ok, but the narrow Collins glass will highlight the green lime against the bubbly tonic. Get after it.

It’s pretty, right?

• Why two kinds of lime? >> I like the wedge for juice. Leave the wedge in the glass to keep flavoring the drink. The wheel is used as a garnish – to look the part. It’s not there for taste, so it’s optional. Understand?

Here’s a simple schematic of potential bar glassware. It can get confusing. For stupids.

 

2019 Fishing Trip Recap

Fishing trip complete, liver stabilized, let’s recap the trip.

Check-out that monster – and the big fish too!

Meals

Day 1 Dinner: Lasagna, Salad, Garlic Bread

Excellent. I prepared the lasagna sauce at home, but assembled casserole up at the place. Why? Because my fridge at home is too small to hold an over-sized pan of lasagna. I did; however, make an additional lasagna to leave at home to feed my family during my absence. Hero. There was also salad that I prepared and bagged at home – to be served at the place. Also frozen garlic bread that was heated in the oven. Full meal to begin the escapade.

Day 2 Breakfast: Biscuits & Gravy & Scrambled Eggs

This is the most favorite of all the breakfasts; no wonder it’s served first. Last year, the oven was producing soot, which negatively affected the biscuits (appearance, not taste). This year, the oven was operating properly and there was no soot. I pre-measured the baking soda and powder at home and brought in a little container – little steps make the whole thing easier… The biscuits turned-out great – maybe even better than most home batches. The gravy was excellent – per usual. I always serve scrambled eggs with biscuits & gravy, you know, to make sure you don’t leave the table hungry. No chance – we had plenty of energy to fish and drink all day. Mission accomplished.

Day 2 Lunch: Sammies on the boat

I usually can’t be bothered to make lunch, and day 2 was no exception. Another fisherman made sandwiches for all. But really, most of us kept full with beer.

Day 2 Dinner: Soup Sandwich (Cubanos & Chicken Soup)

Chicken soup was easy – I made it ahead of time, froze it, and brought-up frozen soup. Bonus: those blocks of ice kept the other foods cold on the 6-hour drive. I had never made Cuban sandwiches, though, and it was a fun experiment. A Cuban sandwich is ham, pork roast, Swiss, pickles, and mustard on a long roll cooked like a panini, but not necessarily with the grooves of a typical panini. I bought pork shoulder at Walmart in Wausau, WI and slow-cooked it all day (6+ hours) in a slow cooker that I brought from home, then shredded with two forks. Most Cuban sandwich recipes call for Cuban bread – go figure. That’s an impossibility in Northern Wisconsin, so I bought four soft french bread loaves and cut them in-half to feed seven fishermen. Split down the middle, slathered with mustard, few slices of honey ham, a sprinkling of the shredded pork, and a few slices of Swiss. I cooked them on a panini press that I brought from home. Fun fact: as I was packing, I dropped the panini press on the concrete basement floor and broke the bracket. Oops. The press still cooked ok, but the broken hinge made it difficult to operate. I threw it away afterward. Sad. The sandwiches turned-out great – definitely a worthy addition to the repertoire. Fun fact 2: we left the remaining soup in the pot while we went-out fishing at night. It was so fucking cold on the return, that I reheated the soup and served in mugs to warm us up. Then there were Manhattans.

Soup & Cubano staging on the stove – turned-out great!

Day 3 Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs w/ Bacon

Another great fishing trip staple: scrambled eggs combined with cooked bacon throughout. This was served with frozen hash brown patties cooked in the oven until crispy. Another meal designed to fuel the intense activity that is fishing & drinking.

Day 3 Lunch: Chips

Some of the sandwiches prepared the day before were eaten this day. Otherwise, there were chips and cheez crackers and other whatnots.

Day 3 Dinner: Steak & Bake

The perennial pinnacle of fishing trip dinners: the steak night. This time, I tried a new butcher shop: Kalck’s in Crystal Lake, IL. I ordered seven 20 oz rib eyes. EXCELLENT! They grilled-up great and were cooked to order (two medium+, two medium, and three correct – medium-rare). I also made baked potatoes. One per fisherman plus an additional one per fisherman for the following day’s breakfast. The was also cooked frozen corn (easy), sauteed onions (awesome), and sauteed mushrooms (also awesome). Like last year, I made Béarnaise sauce. But this year, it wasn’t my rookie season. Fresh tarragon was on my list of items that still needed to be bought. But, the Walmart in Wausau, WI didn’t have any. WTF do those cheeseheads eat?!? I bought dried tarragon and hoped for the best. In the end, it was a good sauce, but maybe a shade below last year’s appearance. Still excellent, and your feeble abilities wouldn’t have noticed a difference, but I cook for me. Next year, I’ll make the vinegar reduction at home, with top-shelf materials, and bring it together in the cabin. Problem to be solved!

Steaks on a grill

Steak on a plate

Day 4 Breakfast: Omelets to order + Home Fries

The hardest part of making omelets is the mise en place – the preparation of all the fixins that can, potentially, be included in your breakfast. This year, you could choose onions, green peppers, ham, tomatoes, mushrooms, and cheese – full Denver*+ treatment. I cut-up five of the seven left-over baked potatoes prepared the night before – seven were too many. I baked those in the oven to make sure they were heated (all night in the fridge) and dried-out. Then cooked in a skillet with 4 Tbs of butter and 1/2 onion and 1/2 green pepper. Delish. Served alongside a custom-made omelet made for a kick-ass breakfast!

Day 4 Lunch: Can’t remember

It rained all this day, so I think we just bummed in the cabin and ate snacks.

Day 4 Dinner: Polish Smorgasbord

Three of the seven fishermen left for home after omelet breakfast, so the smorgasbord was a romantic affair – just like the typical Polish meal. I planned to make Pirogi, but those were not coming-together well the night before leaving, so I said “fuck it!” and we had to make do. Good thing there was plenty of food: golabki, miserable cucumbers, 2 lbs of fresh Polish sausage from the Crystal Lake butcher, sauerkraut, and pickled beets. Everything was great, and the landslide of cabbage was good fiber for digestion. And farting.

Day 5: GTFO

No meals served on day 5 – that’s when we drove home. Stopped at the McDonald’s in Minoqua, WI for predictable breakfast. I think they put sugar in my coffee – shit.

 

Drinks

For the Lasagna dinner, we brought wine – 2 bottles. Somehow, we only drank one bottle, so had the second with the steaks. Otherwise, this was a beer + Manhattan trip + vodka + gin.

Beers included Coors light and Leinenkugel Shandy Samplers. This is the second year Leinie’s includes the Watermelon Shandy in the sampler – definitely last place. I miss the Ginger from a few years ago – that was decent with a spicy ginger bite at the end.

When the mountains turn blue, pound it down!

For Manhattans, we had an assortment of bourbons: Woodford 1.75L; Russell’s Reserve; Maker’s 46, Four Roses, and two others that I can’t remember. The vermouth was tip-top: Antica. Then there were orange bitters and Luxardo cherries. This year, I pre-mixed the Manhattan (bourbon and vermouth) in a glass bottle with a rubber stopper and chilled in the fridge all day. At Manhattan time, I poured some into the shaker with some ice and added bitters. This was 1) easier and 2) kept the mixture colder and melted less ice. A great idea that I’ll begin implementing in-general.

For vodka, there were a few fishermen making vodka cocktails with ginger ale varieties. Ok. I made a few bloody marys, which were nice in the morning.

For gin, there were a few gin & tonics in the boat – nothing like a G&T on a boat!

Oh, I also brought 21 Fireballs, but we only drank 7. Pathetic.

 

FAQs

• What’s in an “official” Denver omelet? >> I checked the internet, and it appears that the Denver omelet should include ham, onion, and green pepper. Other sources include mushrooms. I hardly ever see one with cheese in the wild, so I typically order “Denver & cheese omelet” when breakfasting. But “official” and “Denver” don’t travel together since January 2014 – when pot became legal. Good luck on your memories, potheads!

Cinco de Mayo < 2 Weeks Away

Have you checked the calendar? Cinco de Mayo* is less than 2 weeks away, and we need a plan for guacamole.

Plan: make your own guacamole

I just checked, and Chipotle charges $2.05 to add guacamole to your burrito. Wow! Good thing I’m a billionaire, but are you?

I like Chipotle, but $2.05 for guac is a bridge too far

No matter, you can check-out my earlier recipe to make an even better guacamole for far less $$. Business Idea: you standing outside Chipotle, selling scoops of bad ass guacamole for $1 per scoop. Win win!

Note: apparently, Cinco de Mayo is way bigger here in the US than in Mexico.